You Live, You Learn

Wow, a blast from the past reading this. I am now 30. I feel like I have arrived. My confidence & my serenity have grown exponentially over these years with all my experiences, and it is a great feeling to know that I really am making progress. That was always the point of cataloging my emotions, and I am quite pleased with the outcome. 2014 feels like it is my year. I have a stronghold on my personal well being and am proud of my accomplishments. I am not ashamed of my past and i am exuding the eternal optimism that was always inside me. This little light of mine, I'm gunna let it shine.

Love Kills Slowly...

Just when things are seemingly perfect, I have to go and lose my cool. Maybe I am just a miserable bitch who will never be happy with anything. I am truly an emotional masochist. They typical psychological explanation is that I think I don't deserve to be happy, so I will stop at nothing to achieve self hatred and disgust with my life. Periodically I do this to myself, and it is so frustrating not to really understand why. I know I should be grateful for what I do have in my life and I try to be, but maybe I am just that selfish and childish to throw it all haphazardly into the wind on a moment of self-centered pity and anger? I have issues with security, and now being almost a year deep, I worry endlessly about losing the person I love. I have serious issues with trust and abandonment. It is like as soon as I am happy, I chose to ruin it for fear of being rejected. Loving someone is such a risk for me because I am convinced that they will leave me, because I am like this. It is a really hard emotional paradox to always want to be loved, yet not believe it is ever going to last. I've put all my eggs in one basket and I am afraid that was a mistake. Maybe I have too many eggs and the basket is going to break. It makes me angry that it seemed like it was invited and wanted, for me to put all my faith and trust in one person, but then as soon as I do, I am expected not to completely rely on them. I know I am bigger and better than losing it and flying off the handle, but if you are going to compare me to her, you wouldn't also question your actions, that maybe the way you treat someone could bring on some strong emotional outbursts? It is no excuse for how I reacted, but it is not fair or right for me to bear the entire burden. If you were so perfect as to never have done anything wrong, then how could things build up to that moment? It doesn't make it right, but it takes two, so to speak. I would like to believe that in perspective I am not 'crazy' and that my feelings, even if expressed irrationally, are not invalid.

better left unsaid?

Curiosity will kill the cat, but a risk that is unavoidably antagonizing. Past experience has taught me that no matter how many questions you ask or information you gather, in the end things turn out to be misleading or misunderstood. In all likelihood, I am wrong about this situation, and unjustly questioning things that should have no bearing on my perspective. I feel guilty for casting judgement before actually knowing, and I am trying to be as fair as I can, but it's hard to wrap my head around things with a story of swiss cheese. I don't want to pry and I know things are painful, and the anger is eminent, but I am also left with a feeling that I may have done the wrong thing. I know what feels so perfect couldn't be wrong, but I just wouldn't want the prestige of it all to be tarnished by a mistaken chain of events. There is part of me who would like to let the sleeping dogs lie, but then again, I am also by default a worrier and inquisitive of such things that could change sentiment of this fantasy. I have been able to allow it all to be without a doubt, which is a first in my life, but I also have a quiet whisper that wants to know how it all fits together, even if it doesn't pertain to me. I couldn't ask for an easier and more carefree love that has blossomed so naturally and i wouldn't want to jeopardize that in any way, but I also can't be blind to what was clearly in my face. I have always been of the belief that people do not do anything that they don't want to do. Even if they "don't want to" the desire to do the right thing or the consequences of not doing it drives the motivation behind the action, which therefore is a direct choice to do it. I also know that no matter what, after having such a connection with a person and so many hours logged in and so many emotions through the ride, that you can't possibly not care about the other's well being. Sometimes people are even more interested to know that things aren't good because that makes them feel as though life is serving up justice. I feel like I have been on both sides of that coin, but have also realized when you have your self-respect, that is when you truly can be happy for someone or sympathetic to their hardships. I feel otherwise it is a wolf in sheep's clothing, and although the reactions may be there, the genuine nature of the curiosity rests in the wrong place. There is no fault in the truth, but the question really is, do I want to know? My instinct tells me that I already do.

It's been AWHILE

In an instant it seems, I have been given a true and pure love like I have never experienced before. Security and trust are paramours. You can't have one without the other, and in my life I have never found the ability to allow that until now. As each day passes, the idea of a soul mate seemingly makes more and more sense. I more or less have always wanted what is unfolding before my eyes, but I did not believe it was actually possible. I felt as though personal choices and a more structured sort of decision was the key to a successful partnership. An emotional connect and attraction always started things off, but then a more practical mind set would settle in, possibly because of the examples laid out for me from an early age, or the state of which our society casts an unfavorable connotation on marriage. Either way, likely a mixture of both, led me to believe that the simplicity of true love was just a fairy tale . Innocence did not last long, and a less than ideal "American dream" was spawned in my mind.

I believe that this past year has brought me to a new understanding of trust in myself, and not feeling so suppressed with worry that i am not fulfilling what was intended for me or expected of me. I still have some angst, which isn't entirely negative, but I also can't beat myself up any longer for things that have not yet even occurred. Fear is such a strong emotion that can seep into every crevice of your existence. Worrying is merely a result of fear which consumes more time and space than it deserves and can only feed inefficiency. Learning how to let go, even if it took nearly falling off the edge, was something in my life that needed to progress. Finding that one thing leads to another, and the choreography of life is just as amazing as the creation of it, all the way down to each blade of grass and every cell in your body. Puzzling isn't it, when you're on the roller coaster of life and you thought you had forgotten to take that deep breath at the top, but then all of a sudden you are at the bottom, and no quicker do you try to inhale, you are already on another upward incline...Finding myself in a position of unadulterated happiness without fear has been the most freeing and remarkable emotional acquisition I have secured in my life. And the anticipation of what is yet to come has begun the most profound impact on my heart and soul. I mean, it's simply amazing when life hands you things at the least expected of times. I am also finding that in crisis comes great things, and although I am very capable and have become somewhat adapted to avoid things, when confronted I tend to open more doors than necessary. Once the issues have emerged, I find no other choice but to inundate myself with it all, trying to solve everything and nothing all at once, which creates a ton of confusion and despair; but with hindsight, I see that it played out just the way it was supposed to. Nothing will ever be completely resolved because of the constant momentum of life, and every experience has its impact which will always resurface as each life event unfolds. The only way to ensure your existence is to know these fundamental lessons of life are purposeful. The power of positivity is such a phenomenon. What a gift, this life we have been given, and the resolves that come, every step of the way. I really am in awe of the timing, and so hopeful of future. The domino effect that the most current turmoil has brought out of me, and my thoughts just really have become so enlightened and there is a calmness I am experiencing for the first time in my life. This stint of growth has exposed a feeling that I think I suppressed from a lack of innocence or possibly never knew, or at least never grasped to this degree. A childlike renewal of clarity with a new found belief of love and an even deeper understanding of gratitude and commitment, the possibilities are infinite and even more so --inspirationally exciting :).

oh snap, double click!

I think I've got it. Security. That is the key! I can give myself all I have, but it is really only measured by outside opinions. Everything that is in your heart has always been there, but it takes the observation and appreciation from the people in your life to let you know that you are okay. When you are unfulfilled in your life by means of who you surround yourself with, it becomes seemingly impossible to have an sort of satisfaction with yourself. The dance of life is very interesting when viewed through the eyes of someone unwilling. Some people just have no clue how to give back. I have always come from the adage "do unto others as you would want done unto you." I don't believe everyone here abides by that, and not to their fault, but it's just as people are. I am not perfect, but i certainly don't think I lack compassion in any sense of the word. Sometimes I am overly blunt, but that is just honesty which not everyone can handle either. I do not always intend to come off as harsh as I do. I don't believe all esteem stems from inside. I believe it is rooted there, but how can the only way you feel about yourself come from within when there are hundreds of outside forces you come in contact with in your daily life? I can be completely self sufficient, but without the pride of my father, or the happiness of my siblings, or the jealousy of others why would I strive for more? I know there is me and my own wants and needs, and some people in this world only fend for themselves, but I am not one of them. I find my inspiration lies with others in mind. It is something I enjoy doing and gives me purpose. I find that I need very little as far as material things, and I have always preferred the emotional support of others. Maybe that comes from the lack there of in the past, but that is not something that is going to leave me, instead I'd rather be proud of it even if I come up short in other places. There is an art to grasping other people's feelings, and opening your heart to them. I find that it is very freeing and my spirit becomes light as a feather. Considering other people's opinions, thoughts, needs and wants gives me more insight sometimes than actual life experience. If you can let go of self absorption and just try on someone else's skin, at least as best you can, open your mind, and the world's dynamics make a lot more sense and you may learn a thing or two about yourself.

))tick tock((

Why must my life be run by this measurement of "time"? Who decided a minute was 60 seconds, and what is the purpose of keeping track of it all? I understand the importance of limiting yourself as to push to get things done, but why is it so crucial? I find that my inner clock is much wiser and it has no idea what AM and PM are, or how to even read an analog time keeping device, let alone any of our man made existence shackles. I am a driven person, I want to wake up and go to work and get things done and feel accomplished and successful, but why must it be such a ridged and forced way of life controlled by this intangible barrier of 'time'? I am not the kind of person who is easily told what to do, nor do i like restraints put on me unless i choose to put them there. I think for the majority of my life i have been very responsible and disciplined when i needed to do so. Occasionally a small fire needed to be lit under my ass, but i think this world would better judged if people were more given more freedom of choice. It would separate the winners from the losers in a sense of self-motivation. Time is of the essence, says who? My time shouldn't necessarily be the same as your time. People don't remember how fast you did things, but rather how well you did them. I am quick and thorough most of the time, but I think without the pressure of the tick of the clock, things could be done more thoughtfully and less mistakes made. Also, in the scheme of life, if I am not tired, why must the clock tell me I need to go to bed? I would accomplish the same things if I was to rise and rest as I please and the quality of my existence would be greatly enhanced by the subtraction of the stresses associated with 'time'. As soon as five o'clock hits on a Friday, I am freed from the notion of time until Sunday rolls around, and I get anxious in the anticipation of Monday, checking the time several times through out the day, almost as a countdown to reality. I wish I could live clock free and I think it would do wonders for everyone if we just lived by the rule, "work before play" as often as possible, relieving the weight of this momentary measurement.

How the tides have changed...

My oh, my. No less than 3 months ago did I feel in over my head, the waves crashing down, shoving me under water with no air left to breathe. My knees scraped from the rough sandy shelf of shells and rocks and desbris as I am sucked in by the undertow of life. No control of the happenings around me, my body tumbling through the salty water, eyes burning, scared of the outcome with nothing to cling to. Then the fear disapates as you realize there is nothing you can do but let go, there is no use fighting it. The sea is unforgiving, but oh how we thank him when he spits us out onto shore. Beaten, hair slapped to my face, joints raw and bloody, I crawl up past the water's edge. Throwing an arm up to the sky and rolling on to my back, laid out like a starfish, I am defeated. Every breath exagerated by skeletal ribs, while the drops of saline dew on my skin shimmer in the sun. I open my eyes and look up to the sun and say, "I am still here." The kind sun warms me and dries me off, evaporating the heaviness of the water and making it easier to brush off the sand. I am reminded that all things that happen do end, and that I am stronger than I know, even amidst uncontrolable circumstances.