cause of the trainwreck...

Really deep down, I am so vulnerable I can't even stand myself. I am very capable of taking care of myself and I feel like my self sufficiency stems from a lack of trust in other people. Once I let someone in, that is when all my insecurities surface. The fear of abandonment is so deeply rooted in me, I have a hard time exposing myself. I also become resentful of someone for "making" me care about them because of this fear. Sometimes I can control it, but when I am caught off guard, I end up completely self destructing. I sacrifice everything I love in my life because of an emotional fear that I am aware of, but disregard most of the time. I don't know how to make it go away, so i ignore it. I have a healthy self image, I know who I am, but once I feel so strongly for someone, this fear rips the rug right out from underneath me. When I recognize it and rationalize it, the fire can be put out in the matter of minutes. But when I let my guard down, I turn into everything I have ever hated and become my own worst enemy, throwing away everything I know and trust in myself, in an attempt to fulfill a void that just cannot be filled that way. I sabotage myself which leads to self hatred and desperation. My lack of ability to balance also plays in the mix, crushing all my esteem to bits. My shame and guilt eats me away until there is barely anything left. Letting this fear take hold of my emotions and my lack of self control and inability to reassess a situation makes me my own plague.