Misunderstood

The place i seem to go wrong most of the time is right in the crossroads of reality and emotional stability. I know in my head that I am perfectly fine all by myself, I don't really like taking help from anyone, especially hand outs or pity. Then my emotions get involved, and I start to get comfortable and greedy. I lose my independence trying to regain the feeling of security, expecting someone else to replace the unconditional love and comfort of a mother. Realistically, I know this is impossible, but emotionally it is a struggle that I always find myself in. Then the snowball effect begins, and i turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. I want it so bad, I cling so hard, that it slips right between my fingers. Its like squeezing a palm full of sand instead of holding it losely. Then by losing that person that i was trying to fill the void with, spirals me further into my emotional death trap. Now i am longing even more for that comfort that i just can't seem to provide for myself. I find a way to manage afterwards, but scarred and beat up, sometimes blaming others, when in hindsight, i can only blame myself.