92553

I understand the importance of forgiveness, and I feel as though I have completely emersed myself in that feeling for years now, but forgiveness has not healed the void. I know it could be worse, and plenty of people have less than I do, and I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life, but no one can replace a mother. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do feel that a part of me will never be satisfied. I accept the situation, I am not angry, I am not pitiful, but I still yearn for that relationship, even if it would have been incredibly delinquent and harmful to myself. You forget what people say, you forget what people did, but you never forget how they made you feel - good and bad. I have a tendency to ignore the bad things, or rather endure them, just to have a small portion of the good. I have very large threshold for pain, both physical and emotional. This also resurrects the question of why I feel I need to punish myself all the time. I am truly guilt-ridden a lot of the time about things that are out of my control. This being one of them. There is no going back, there is no changing what has happened, but I still have a hole in my heart that creates all kinds of anxiety. I do not deal with separation well, I worry about everyone I care about constantly, I always think about when I am going to lose people and how awful that feeling would be. Some days those thoughts are overwhelming and drive me to serious disillusion of the world around me and skews the line of reality to a point of bewilderment for me. Even trying to put this in writing at the moment, my thoughts are scattered and its a rollercoaster on autopilot with no breaks, no end to the ride. I want to cry, I want to get over it, I want someone to show me that it is possible and I am not the only one with this seemingly impossible obstacle to overcome. And there are thoughts of just wanting to completely digress. I want to sit on her lap and have her braid my hair and sing me songs like she used to. When I was still innocent enough to not understand what abuse was and I could see through the eyes of a child adoring their mother. It would be a lie to say she was the best mother anyone could ask for, but she was mine and I will never have that again. Her sheer existence is just that: sheer. It's just an illusion of a person who I wish was the one I remember as a child, who did love me, who's faults were unnoticed, and who's imperfections seemed perfect. Now there is a physical entity, but the synapse between human and "being" is questionable. With mental illness, and physical trauma, and a meaningless life without a purpose, who really knows where her mind is or what she really cares to know or remember or be reminded of. I would give up anything to just have one more kitchen table discussion with her, the big sturdy wooden table with a life time of meaningful nicks and vandalism on its surface, sitting there in her t-shirt, smoking a cigarette, bobbing her crossed leg up and down in those Wigwam socks. To just really know how she feels and why it had to be like this and the chance to feel that connection one last time. Maybe because sometimes I think I could use the insight for myself. To understand how someone could give up entirely when there were reasons to salvage something of your life, even if not for yourself, but for your children. The mystery will remain unsolved for the rest of my life, and I have to find a way to be okay with that. I want to just let it go, dust in the wind, but I allowed my ego to win this battle because I am not equipped to find my peace yet apparently. Maybe in time, I can find a way to know that it is over and to realize that I am not missing anything.

$% Falling for Eternity %$

When my fears take over, my whole being is compromised. I have had so many encounters with various stress related symptoms I don't know if I can count them all. From my hair falling out in mass quantities, to grinding my teeth in my sleep, all kinds of eating dysfunction, a short stint of cutting in my early teens, alcoholism, nightmares, primal screaming, paranoia -I just don't have very functional coping skills. Sometimes I can make fairly sound decisions, but typically that is not enough, and I continually revert back to my defective ways. Then of course, starts the cycle of my typical train of thought that has just become this tight circle I cannot escape. Do I create the drama in order to justify my delinquent behavior? Or does the outside forces of circumstance and pressure just make me buckle because I am unfit to handle things and too stubborn to learn, or rather unlearn my ways? Its upsetting to look back and see a time when I had a much better handle on things. I know I have grown in other ways through the past few years, but there is a clear digression in my emotional stability. The ego driven neediness is probably the hardest thing I have come to face with and I am truly unwilling to fight it. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, but I can only do so much to fulfill myself. I wish I could be all encompassing for myself, but the blackhole does not allow it.

i hate sundays...

Just around 8pm is usually when it hits me. Its getting dark, I've exhausted all my leisurely distractions, I decide it best not to go out since I will have to be up early in the AM, and there I am, alone and mind reeling. The anxiety starts and I think about how ridiculous I am, and how terrible it is that I cannot just 'be'. It makes me feel pathetic, and dislike myself even more. The fact that I am lonely is one thing, but then there is also the frustration that I am not able to deal with it. I don't feel strong like I used to, and the fact that I am needy makes me angry at myself. Everyone tells me I am going to be fine, but that is so hard to see from this angle. I feel like I have no direction, no lead. The person I see in the mirror is this horrible terrible person and the only thing that is of any comfort is to try and listen to other people's positive opinions and soak that in for a moment. But this also is a catch 22, seeing that I need others to make me feel good about myself makes me feel so sad, the fact that I need them to convince me that I am not that bad. So I lay in bed, thoughts whirling around my head with no actual pattern or coherence, eyes glazed over the television, not really even watching. Then I mull over my list of vices: cigarettes, alcohol, gluten, sexual attention, someone's shoulder to cry on or ear to talk off (whichever way you want to see it)....which one is going to be the least damning in the morning? I want to cry but I can't. I want to just go to sleep but I can't. I want to cry myself into an emotional exhaustion where my mind just doesn't think anymore, and all I can do is sleep. But if I can't cry, what am I going to do to make my mind quiet? I don't have another outlet or any source of inspiration to follow or to help me relax. With no answers and no direction, I get mad at myself again, why am I so dumb? Why can't I figure it out? Why am I letting all this get the best of me? I rather not burden my friends with all my stupid drama, they don't really care or understand anyway, everyone has themselves to worry about. I probably don't even make sense, why waste their time? I surely am a lost cause. They can listen to me over and over again, but no one has the answers to how I will revive my self-esteem. This is all on me, and I just don't have it in me right now. The tunnel is just dark, no end in sight. I feel robbed and scarred. What did i do to deserve to have my self worth stripped away when all I ever did and want to do is give myself unconditionally with complete and almost blind understanding? Now, I am here, alone on Sunday, left to pick up the pieces with a sinking and emotionally empty outlook, using everyone and everything as my crutch, spiralling further down since I am useless to myself, worthless and burdening the people around me, I don't know what to do, and the thoughts just do not cease.

Way too much shit in my head...

-I can only love deeply once, and if it isn’t reciprocated, the only option is to settle for what you get from the person you truly love, even if it is not 100%, or give the next person what you are getting from the one you really love and then they have to accept that you aren’t able to be 100% for them.



-I am creating this drama to distract myself from the real issues at heart, but cannot seem to focus otherwise because of my lack of ability to believe in myself.



-I don’t know how to really love and rely on myself anymore because I have lost my sense of self worth.



-I equate worrying about someone to how much I love them. In the same manner, I look and create drama in my life hoping someone worries about me so I know they love me.



-I do not hold on to the negative and may over accentuate the positive, with little positive in my life, I try and compensate so I have reason to be happy by focusing on the smaller things. This makes people think I am delusional.



-I am not whole heartedly able to give myself the attention and focus I need in other aspects of my life without knowing the state in which I am loved by another.



-I can distract myself for so long and use other people to fill me up, but the farce is short lived because as soon as something shifts, my insecurities take over and I become completely unstable.



-I don’t feel like I dislike myself, but maybe what I think I am, and what other people think I am are two different things. The way other people see me as a sweet, smart, pretty, happy person is what I want to believe, but inside I see myself as more of a conniving, desperate, sad, unintelligent burden because I really don’t think I can do anything on my own.



-My feelings do not always match reality. I “know” I am all the good things that you can describe about me because others have told me. I don’t necessarily see those things unless I know I am loved. Then things are clearer.



-If I am not doing things for someone else to make myself happy and to gain their approval, I don’t have motivation for my own life.



-I battle internally with myself about giving up. I want to, but I can’t. The area in between leaves me just floating along, no direction, no motivation, no real purpose, just going thru the motions.

-I cannot satisfy myself without being able to give my heart to someone. Once I am doing that, I find that I will make healthier choices for myself for the benefit of us both and it is easy.



-I don’t want others to pity me, but I want their concern. I want help, but I don’t want them to do it for me. I want hugs and kisses and reassurance, advice and a shoulder.



-It could all be as simple as I want to love and be loved. No strings attached, just pure uninhibited love. After that, all should fall into place?

Back to the Stroke part II

Because of an unfortunate and uncontrollable tragedy, I have found myself guilt ridden. I know it is not my fault, but somehow in my heart, I don't completely believe that. When situations such as this arise, i find myself really thinking i could have done something to prevent it. I should have been there and all the "what if i..."'s. As many times as i can be told, or tell myself it was not something I did to anyone, I just can't get over these kinds of thoughts. This inspires me to try and make things better and make up for my wrong, but my efforts never seem satisfactory to me. I try to rectify what i feel was a lack of concern or my own selfishness, but I can never seem to resolve it within myself. Then when I step back and look at the situation objectively, and "know" it is not my fault, but cannot deny how I feel, then i can analyze myself and maybe i am intending to help the situation, but possibly i am punishing myself for a crime i emotionally feel i committed? So clearly when there is no control over something, how can you possibly believe it was your doing? Emotions and reality, not friends in my world. Solutions are not even existent in this place either it seems...

Misunderstood

The place i seem to go wrong most of the time is right in the crossroads of reality and emotional stability. I know in my head that I am perfectly fine all by myself, I don't really like taking help from anyone, especially hand outs or pity. Then my emotions get involved, and I start to get comfortable and greedy. I lose my independence trying to regain the feeling of security, expecting someone else to replace the unconditional love and comfort of a mother. Realistically, I know this is impossible, but emotionally it is a struggle that I always find myself in. Then the snowball effect begins, and i turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. I want it so bad, I cling so hard, that it slips right between my fingers. Its like squeezing a palm full of sand instead of holding it losely. Then by losing that person that i was trying to fill the void with, spirals me further into my emotional death trap. Now i am longing even more for that comfort that i just can't seem to provide for myself. I find a way to manage afterwards, but scarred and beat up, sometimes blaming others, when in hindsight, i can only blame myself.

i pwn you...

Controlling my emotions is probably one of the toughest things I have ever had to conquer. The minute I feel like I have something concrete in my life, I become over invested. This causes whatever I felt was concrete to melt and then I am left standing on shakey ground. I need to try and keep my footing on more than one slab of concrete. Maybe its the fact that I have never had stable ground that makes me so dependent on one slab. I want my slab back :(