...and the record skips again

I know i keep saying this, but i really have to stop. i am not going to continue doing everything to make things better. Every time i step back and realize this, somehow i always return to the same old habits and i pick up the slack once again. Well, I've made a pact with myself that this week it is going to be different. I will only speak when spoke to, i will make plans with only myself in mind, and i will take care of what i need on my own. i am doing good so far, and i haven't even felt the need to reach out for any kind of crutch, but it is only Tuesday. I have to stay strong, or at the very least indifferent. I cannot make things go my way when it comes to love, it has to happen on its own. if i can just keep myself blank then there is a chance that i could be surprised, but as i stand now, i expect to be disappointed. I don't have to be disappointed with myself, and maybe this week being a recluse might just be my ticket. I can stay dry and unfocused on anything, diluting my worries with TV and beer. I don't have a horrible life, although my love life is far less than par. i came to a terrible realization last week about how i have been holding myself back in order to let a far less superior attempt to pass me. I know in the end, if it turns out how i would like, then it will be worth this pain and strife. If things go the other route and cannot be resolved, this last attempt will breed true resentment and will never be turned around. So this is it, and i feel that it is possible, but i fear that it not going to come together quick enough to be attainable or suitable for both sets of needs. Its not only about trying, but passing the true test-which would be succeeding.