Lights, camera, ACTION!

Currently, i feel like i am constantly MAKING things happen, and not much of my own happiness comes from any outside source. I am always in charge, initiating things, having ideas, implementing plans--the director. It has left me with a overwhelmingly dark cloud cast over the movie of my life--asking myself, "Is this real?" My life is feeling a bit contrived. When is someone going to put the moves on me, and make my life better, and more fun, and more fulfilling? How come i never get back what i put in? This is why i don't gamble consciously. I am just not a lucky person, and i have always worked for what i want, and i use the same strategy when it comes to love, but it doesn't work. i kick and scream and ask and tell and direct and cry and coax and hope and wish and try and try again....