knowing when you are not wanted.

I learned on Saturday that you might think someone appreciates you, your company, and your efforts, but that isn't always the case. It isn't really personal. You can do your best and try and make the best of a bad situation, showing up and trying to brighten a few hours in their day, even if they can't remember, because you feel that is something that can only help--but you could be wrong. It might just hurt them more to be reminded that you exist, and have to think about the shell of a person they have become. Your sheer presents is a stab that you didn't intend, and they stab back. Reality is a harsh place, and although you meant well, maybe it is better for everyone if it is left alone. Maybe there is a part of me that just wants to have a little piece of the old version back, but i am barking up the wrong tree. Maybe i have disillusioned myself to believe i have been doing 'the right thing' all these years, but this last experience has left me scarred and questioning the real reason for these trips. Have i just not allowed myself to accept the severity of this situation because it is too tough to stomach, so i pretend its okay? I think i might have just found acceptance.

Happy Cinco de Sunburn

I have come to realize that i try too hard. i want what i want, and somehow i never stop an let things be. i am always trying different angles and attempting to coax things to be exactly what i want. it is like dangling a carrot in front of life. It came to light as to why this isn't working for me anymore. Always having your hand in something takes away from the genuine nature of the act. it is like circling exactly what you want in a magazine and leaving it out for someone to find rather than having someone think about you and come up with a special and suiting gift all on their own. That little something makes it genuine and special. It is something that i cannot fulfill for myself, and i have to step back and let things happen. If they don't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. i cannot force someone to understand me, or force them to be one step ahead. It is what i yearn for, but i cannot create it.
i have also seen that even though i may be looking for understanding and comfort, i cannot make that come either. If someone initially wants to pity themselves, that is their choice. Although it doesn't fulfill my needs, it doesn't mean that something wasn't taken away from the conversation. At first they may wallow, but hopefully will turn the lemons into lemonade.