...and the record skips again

I know i keep saying this, but i really have to stop. i am not going to continue doing everything to make things better. Every time i step back and realize this, somehow i always return to the same old habits and i pick up the slack once again. Well, I've made a pact with myself that this week it is going to be different. I will only speak when spoke to, i will make plans with only myself in mind, and i will take care of what i need on my own. i am doing good so far, and i haven't even felt the need to reach out for any kind of crutch, but it is only Tuesday. I have to stay strong, or at the very least indifferent. I cannot make things go my way when it comes to love, it has to happen on its own. if i can just keep myself blank then there is a chance that i could be surprised, but as i stand now, i expect to be disappointed. I don't have to be disappointed with myself, and maybe this week being a recluse might just be my ticket. I can stay dry and unfocused on anything, diluting my worries with TV and beer. I don't have a horrible life, although my love life is far less than par. i came to a terrible realization last week about how i have been holding myself back in order to let a far less superior attempt to pass me. I know in the end, if it turns out how i would like, then it will be worth this pain and strife. If things go the other route and cannot be resolved, this last attempt will breed true resentment and will never be turned around. So this is it, and i feel that it is possible, but i fear that it not going to come together quick enough to be attainable or suitable for both sets of needs. Its not only about trying, but passing the true test-which would be succeeding.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200

i am trying to live and let live. I cannot fix someone else, but of course i am still doing everything in my power to help them see the error in their ways and pleading with a higher power to help them correct and deal with their issues. Help is a funny word, because as it seems in a situation with a very strong, opinionated, 'take charge' kind of person, paired with a passive, unfocused, comfortable person--the obvious has been occurring. i have definitely stirred things up and shaken up the 'comfort zone', but as for actually putting the pieces back together, i am not able to. So did i actually help things? or did i just make a mess that i cannot clean up? For myself, i know i did what i needed to do to try and get to the place that would allow us to progress forward. But now i am left waiting, hoping and wishing that things could just get better. While i am waiting for a miracle, i have stunted my own growth, and have chose to sit in my own shit. i feel that i am so focused on getting what i feel i deserve, after putting in all my time and effort, that this being my last approach to fixing things, i am holding myself back. I fear that if i start to gain momentum singularly, i will become an even stronger person and regain my self confidence and have to choose myself over anything or anyone else. Now that may sound like a good thing, but i feel that would be a disservice to all my previous efforts and i would have to come to terms with the end, which i am not ready to do. I've been keeping myself in a place where i am not gathered or clear minded in hopes that somehow things will even out. I have been tearing myself down thinking it is going to make it easier to become equals. It has been a struggle to stay stagnant, but how else will he ever catch up? In a way there is a part of me that wants to be 'saved' but i know darn well how to save myself. i just have such a desire to get what i have been hoping and dreaming for for years, that i just will not allow it to be ruined or taken away from me. i will sacrifice my entire self. Until i have completely exhausted every option, i will keep beating it until i am convinced it is good and dead. I do not know my point of defeat, but i am not done yet.

Lights, camera, ACTION!

Currently, i feel like i am constantly MAKING things happen, and not much of my own happiness comes from any outside source. I am always in charge, initiating things, having ideas, implementing plans--the director. It has left me with a overwhelmingly dark cloud cast over the movie of my life--asking myself, "Is this real?" My life is feeling a bit contrived. When is someone going to put the moves on me, and make my life better, and more fun, and more fulfilling? How come i never get back what i put in? This is why i don't gamble consciously. I am just not a lucky person, and i have always worked for what i want, and i use the same strategy when it comes to love, but it doesn't work. i kick and scream and ask and tell and direct and cry and coax and hope and wish and try and try again....

April 15th is the WORST

Today has been quite a friggin' mess. Something like a blender with no lid ::frappe:: My emotions are scattered all over the place from personal matters, therefore EVERYTHING is irritating. Every other request directed at me has me going into my phone booth and quickly switching into Super Bitch. i have not been able to shake this demeanor for days. I find myself indulging in my legal addiction- food - constantly, and then feeling bad and guilty. i wish i was more fearful of my own guilt, but i always find a way to justify it. I am just not where i want to be, emotionally or physically. On a positive note, i find that even though i am Super Bitch, and have unexplainable emotional outbursts entangled in the past and can't seem to find a nice bone in my body, i have been pleasantly surprised with the reactions and feedback from my paramour. So at least on of us is starting to figure things out. I wish i could be more appreciative of these measures on the outside, but my walls are up, the gloves are on, and it is not going to be an easy feat. I feel like this is going to be a very very long road of undoing the past.

Truly Letting Go...

I have decided that this is it -the last straw-the fat lady is singing. i am finally taking my hand out of the cookie jar, i am no longer leading the lost--this is not my position. i need to let the organic be organic- no more contriving. If it cannot be without my direction and lead, then it will never be real. You have to just let go, and the release will be nerve racking, but also a relief. There is no controlling this train wreck from the back seat. This is a difficult thing to have faith in something that has always failed you, but there is no other choice. Be strong, be objective, give credit where it is due, stay true to yourself and never settle. I have tried to have patience, but it is beginning to run thin. If things don't progress in a forwardly direction soon, i fear i will not be able to hold on much longer. It's not real if you are giving away all the answers, so it is time to be free of the burden an allow the antagonist to be the bearer. Time is of the essence, it's do or die, step up or step off.

The Escape Artist

So i have come to a realization that everything i have been bringing into my life has literally been a form of magic. My fish make me "happy"? rather, they give me something else to focus on so that i don't feel as though my life is so sour. Same with movies, TV, books, vacations, and now blogging. I have been searching for some relief for a long time. I am the escape artist, just call me Houdini. I can't seem to just follow my head and listen to common sense. i know if i were to walk away, i would suffer initially, but then plant my own garden and build myself back up in time. But my heart guilts me so deeply, feeling that if i do let go and don't turn back, i would be making a grave mistake. the inner turmoil has spread into every action, reaction, facial expression, muscle ache, and bone in my body. So i escape my shackles while drowning under water with anything that will keep my attention. Even when i am 'having fun' there is a tick inside me that doesn't allow me to completely let go. My head is still heavy with worry, sadness, and fear. Waiting is more torturous than just moving on. The more bones i throw the more bones i want thrown back. I have taken risk after risk to try and come to a resolution, but when things are not reciprocated, i am left empty, alone, angry, confused and upset.

Serious case of the Mondays

I have been sitting here all day, cramps in my side, but persevering through the day...i have been left to fend for myself here, without a lunch break, simply dying to be home in bed...it is sad to start my blog off this way, but there isn't much i can do about this mood i am in. Life has been rough for the last year, and i think all the stresses in my life have finally drained me to just about empty. i give myself credit tho, because i am still holding it down as far as work and bills are concerned, and i have still, through a constant yearning for happiness, tried to look past all the hazy bad times and focus on how to make things better. I am amazed at how many different angles and ideas i have had to attempt to get what i want, but alas, all has failed. It has been really difficult more so this year. i feel like i am losing my footing and starting to fumble. I am having a rough time dealing with the fact that the fate of my desire doesn't rest in my hands alone. i don't consider myself a control freak, but without control i feel vulnerable. So, i am sitting here, wasting away at the computer, but making the necessary means for my survival. Sometimes i am very happy doing what i do, but as of late, i am not happy at all. All i look for is to escape. Sometimes i drown in my fish tank, or in a bottle of wine, or now in this blog. I hope i can find some solace in putting down some of my daily thoughts here at the desk in my spare time. Hopefully, by cataloging my feelings, thoughts, ideas, and rants will give me a sense of progress, so i can look back and remember what steps i had to take to get to the better place i hope to be in time.