Love Kills Slowly...

Just when things are seemingly perfect, I have to go and lose my cool. Maybe I am just a miserable bitch who will never be happy with anything. I am truly an emotional masochist. They typical psychological explanation is that I think I don't deserve to be happy, so I will stop at nothing to achieve self hatred and disgust with my life. Periodically I do this to myself, and it is so frustrating not to really understand why. I know I should be grateful for what I do have in my life and I try to be, but maybe I am just that selfish and childish to throw it all haphazardly into the wind on a moment of self-centered pity and anger? I have issues with security, and now being almost a year deep, I worry endlessly about losing the person I love. I have serious issues with trust and abandonment. It is like as soon as I am happy, I chose to ruin it for fear of being rejected. Loving someone is such a risk for me because I am convinced that they will leave me, because I am like this. It is a really hard emotional paradox to always want to be loved, yet not believe it is ever going to last. I've put all my eggs in one basket and I am afraid that was a mistake. Maybe I have too many eggs and the basket is going to break. It makes me angry that it seemed like it was invited and wanted, for me to put all my faith and trust in one person, but then as soon as I do, I am expected not to completely rely on them. I know I am bigger and better than losing it and flying off the handle, but if you are going to compare me to her, you wouldn't also question your actions, that maybe the way you treat someone could bring on some strong emotional outbursts? It is no excuse for how I reacted, but it is not fair or right for me to bear the entire burden. If you were so perfect as to never have done anything wrong, then how could things build up to that moment? It doesn't make it right, but it takes two, so to speak. I would like to believe that in perspective I am not 'crazy' and that my feelings, even if expressed irrationally, are not invalid.

better left unsaid?

Curiosity will kill the cat, but a risk that is unavoidably antagonizing. Past experience has taught me that no matter how many questions you ask or information you gather, in the end things turn out to be misleading or misunderstood. In all likelihood, I am wrong about this situation, and unjustly questioning things that should have no bearing on my perspective. I feel guilty for casting judgement before actually knowing, and I am trying to be as fair as I can, but it's hard to wrap my head around things with a story of swiss cheese. I don't want to pry and I know things are painful, and the anger is eminent, but I am also left with a feeling that I may have done the wrong thing. I know what feels so perfect couldn't be wrong, but I just wouldn't want the prestige of it all to be tarnished by a mistaken chain of events. There is part of me who would like to let the sleeping dogs lie, but then again, I am also by default a worrier and inquisitive of such things that could change sentiment of this fantasy. I have been able to allow it all to be without a doubt, which is a first in my life, but I also have a quiet whisper that wants to know how it all fits together, even if it doesn't pertain to me. I couldn't ask for an easier and more carefree love that has blossomed so naturally and i wouldn't want to jeopardize that in any way, but I also can't be blind to what was clearly in my face. I have always been of the belief that people do not do anything that they don't want to do. Even if they "don't want to" the desire to do the right thing or the consequences of not doing it drives the motivation behind the action, which therefore is a direct choice to do it. I also know that no matter what, after having such a connection with a person and so many hours logged in and so many emotions through the ride, that you can't possibly not care about the other's well being. Sometimes people are even more interested to know that things aren't good because that makes them feel as though life is serving up justice. I feel like I have been on both sides of that coin, but have also realized when you have your self-respect, that is when you truly can be happy for someone or sympathetic to their hardships. I feel otherwise it is a wolf in sheep's clothing, and although the reactions may be there, the genuine nature of the curiosity rests in the wrong place. There is no fault in the truth, but the question really is, do I want to know? My instinct tells me that I already do.