i hate sundays...

Just around 8pm is usually when it hits me. Its getting dark, I've exhausted all my leisurely distractions, I decide it best not to go out since I will have to be up early in the AM, and there I am, alone and mind reeling. The anxiety starts and I think about how ridiculous I am, and how terrible it is that I cannot just 'be'. It makes me feel pathetic, and dislike myself even more. The fact that I am lonely is one thing, but then there is also the frustration that I am not able to deal with it. I don't feel strong like I used to, and the fact that I am needy makes me angry at myself. Everyone tells me I am going to be fine, but that is so hard to see from this angle. I feel like I have no direction, no lead. The person I see in the mirror is this horrible terrible person and the only thing that is of any comfort is to try and listen to other people's positive opinions and soak that in for a moment. But this also is a catch 22, seeing that I need others to make me feel good about myself makes me feel so sad, the fact that I need them to convince me that I am not that bad. So I lay in bed, thoughts whirling around my head with no actual pattern or coherence, eyes glazed over the television, not really even watching. Then I mull over my list of vices: cigarettes, alcohol, gluten, sexual attention, someone's shoulder to cry on or ear to talk off (whichever way you want to see it)....which one is going to be the least damning in the morning? I want to cry but I can't. I want to just go to sleep but I can't. I want to cry myself into an emotional exhaustion where my mind just doesn't think anymore, and all I can do is sleep. But if I can't cry, what am I going to do to make my mind quiet? I don't have another outlet or any source of inspiration to follow or to help me relax. With no answers and no direction, I get mad at myself again, why am I so dumb? Why can't I figure it out? Why am I letting all this get the best of me? I rather not burden my friends with all my stupid drama, they don't really care or understand anyway, everyone has themselves to worry about. I probably don't even make sense, why waste their time? I surely am a lost cause. They can listen to me over and over again, but no one has the answers to how I will revive my self-esteem. This is all on me, and I just don't have it in me right now. The tunnel is just dark, no end in sight. I feel robbed and scarred. What did i do to deserve to have my self worth stripped away when all I ever did and want to do is give myself unconditionally with complete and almost blind understanding? Now, I am here, alone on Sunday, left to pick up the pieces with a sinking and emotionally empty outlook, using everyone and everything as my crutch, spiralling further down since I am useless to myself, worthless and burdening the people around me, I don't know what to do, and the thoughts just do not cease.

Way too much shit in my head...

-I can only love deeply once, and if it isn’t reciprocated, the only option is to settle for what you get from the person you truly love, even if it is not 100%, or give the next person what you are getting from the one you really love and then they have to accept that you aren’t able to be 100% for them.



-I am creating this drama to distract myself from the real issues at heart, but cannot seem to focus otherwise because of my lack of ability to believe in myself.



-I don’t know how to really love and rely on myself anymore because I have lost my sense of self worth.



-I equate worrying about someone to how much I love them. In the same manner, I look and create drama in my life hoping someone worries about me so I know they love me.



-I do not hold on to the negative and may over accentuate the positive, with little positive in my life, I try and compensate so I have reason to be happy by focusing on the smaller things. This makes people think I am delusional.



-I am not whole heartedly able to give myself the attention and focus I need in other aspects of my life without knowing the state in which I am loved by another.



-I can distract myself for so long and use other people to fill me up, but the farce is short lived because as soon as something shifts, my insecurities take over and I become completely unstable.



-I don’t feel like I dislike myself, but maybe what I think I am, and what other people think I am are two different things. The way other people see me as a sweet, smart, pretty, happy person is what I want to believe, but inside I see myself as more of a conniving, desperate, sad, unintelligent burden because I really don’t think I can do anything on my own.



-My feelings do not always match reality. I “know” I am all the good things that you can describe about me because others have told me. I don’t necessarily see those things unless I know I am loved. Then things are clearer.



-If I am not doing things for someone else to make myself happy and to gain their approval, I don’t have motivation for my own life.



-I battle internally with myself about giving up. I want to, but I can’t. The area in between leaves me just floating along, no direction, no motivation, no real purpose, just going thru the motions.

-I cannot satisfy myself without being able to give my heart to someone. Once I am doing that, I find that I will make healthier choices for myself for the benefit of us both and it is easy.



-I don’t want others to pity me, but I want their concern. I want help, but I don’t want them to do it for me. I want hugs and kisses and reassurance, advice and a shoulder.



-It could all be as simple as I want to love and be loved. No strings attached, just pure uninhibited love. After that, all should fall into place?