cause of the trainwreck...

Really deep down, I am so vulnerable I can't even stand myself. I am very capable of taking care of myself and I feel like my self sufficiency stems from a lack of trust in other people. Once I let someone in, that is when all my insecurities surface. The fear of abandonment is so deeply rooted in me, I have a hard time exposing myself. I also become resentful of someone for "making" me care about them because of this fear. Sometimes I can control it, but when I am caught off guard, I end up completely self destructing. I sacrifice everything I love in my life because of an emotional fear that I am aware of, but disregard most of the time. I don't know how to make it go away, so i ignore it. I have a healthy self image, I know who I am, but once I feel so strongly for someone, this fear rips the rug right out from underneath me. When I recognize it and rationalize it, the fire can be put out in the matter of minutes. But when I let my guard down, I turn into everything I have ever hated and become my own worst enemy, throwing away everything I know and trust in myself, in an attempt to fulfill a void that just cannot be filled that way. I sabotage myself which leads to self hatred and desperation. My lack of ability to balance also plays in the mix, crushing all my esteem to bits. My shame and guilt eats me away until there is barely anything left. Letting this fear take hold of my emotions and my lack of self control and inability to reassess a situation makes me my own plague.

Death by Gluten

Tuesday I may have nearly destroyed my stomach from ingesting a copious amount of yeasty piss water a/k/a beer...I feel like my stomach is tied in a knot with a knife jabbed through it. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I sure hope it goes away soon. I haven't eaten a real meal in about a week. I've been sparsely nibbling on things here or there, mostly salad or soup, but not with much enjoyment. I feel like an idiot for doing it to myself, but I really didn't think it would be a week long recovery...oh well, I guess you live and you learn, but that line is really just a cop out.

I have been wondering what it is that really drives me to be so reckless and ignorant to myself. What kind of self satisfaction do I get from attempting to annihilate myself? I know originally I am just having fun, but I have absolutely no self control. It is like I can't do anything in moderation. I am either 100% in or 100% out - no matter what the game is - gym, drinking, working, running, relationships, eating, etc. Currently I have been having trouble balancing myself. I almost think if I didn't put limitations or restraints on myself - like only drinking once a week or mandatory running 3 times a week - then maybe I could fluctuate without feeling guilty and find some kind balance. Instead of having a set schedule or plan, just try going on feelings daily or even hourly, and do what i feel like doing and not feel like I have to make excuses for it and be happy with my decision. I don't know where this worry and guilt comes from all the time. I have fairly high expectations of myself, but I know I am only human and have my flaws and am allowed to make mistakes. When I have been giving myself one day to let loose, I seem to just throw all caution to the wind and spiral out of control. But then I think if I don't limit myself, I could end up choosing to drink every day of the week. Is that really a bad thing if I am not completely out of control? Would that be keeping things in moderation? I know sometimes i chose to drink to relax or to try and forget about something that is bothering me. Sometimes I question my intentions, but usually I feel like I do get some kind of release, even if there is no solution. When things are out of my control, I tend to have high anxiety - I lose sleep and I lose my appetite and become very worried. Going out and having people around me, and talking about things, and then having some good laughs is normally a good resolve for me, even if the problem still exists. Then other times, I will go for a run or a walk to clear my head. Or I will just listen to music or make myself a new playlist to reflect my mood and play it to death until even I am sick of my own self pity. Or then sometimes I will go have a big greasy meal to satisfy my yearn for endorphin release, and then obviously I have to make up for that for the rest of the week or i feel sick from eating something disgusting. And at times when I don't have much other choice, I will write it out and try and analyze myself. Usually then followed by a copy and paste to a good friend for their input (you know who you are). So basically we are at that stage. I am not mad at myself, but more concerned. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly is the motivation for the behavior and how to balance it out so I am not questioning or concerned about my choices.