Back to the Stroke part II

Because of an unfortunate and uncontrollable tragedy, I have found myself guilt ridden. I know it is not my fault, but somehow in my heart, I don't completely believe that. When situations such as this arise, i find myself really thinking i could have done something to prevent it. I should have been there and all the "what if i..."'s. As many times as i can be told, or tell myself it was not something I did to anyone, I just can't get over these kinds of thoughts. This inspires me to try and make things better and make up for my wrong, but my efforts never seem satisfactory to me. I try to rectify what i feel was a lack of concern or my own selfishness, but I can never seem to resolve it within myself. Then when I step back and look at the situation objectively, and "know" it is not my fault, but cannot deny how I feel, then i can analyze myself and maybe i am intending to help the situation, but possibly i am punishing myself for a crime i emotionally feel i committed? So clearly when there is no control over something, how can you possibly believe it was your doing? Emotions and reality, not friends in my world. Solutions are not even existent in this place either it seems...

Misunderstood

The place i seem to go wrong most of the time is right in the crossroads of reality and emotional stability. I know in my head that I am perfectly fine all by myself, I don't really like taking help from anyone, especially hand outs or pity. Then my emotions get involved, and I start to get comfortable and greedy. I lose my independence trying to regain the feeling of security, expecting someone else to replace the unconditional love and comfort of a mother. Realistically, I know this is impossible, but emotionally it is a struggle that I always find myself in. Then the snowball effect begins, and i turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. I want it so bad, I cling so hard, that it slips right between my fingers. Its like squeezing a palm full of sand instead of holding it losely. Then by losing that person that i was trying to fill the void with, spirals me further into my emotional death trap. Now i am longing even more for that comfort that i just can't seem to provide for myself. I find a way to manage afterwards, but scarred and beat up, sometimes blaming others, when in hindsight, i can only blame myself.

i pwn you...

Controlling my emotions is probably one of the toughest things I have ever had to conquer. The minute I feel like I have something concrete in my life, I become over invested. This causes whatever I felt was concrete to melt and then I am left standing on shakey ground. I need to try and keep my footing on more than one slab of concrete. Maybe its the fact that I have never had stable ground that makes me so dependent on one slab. I want my slab back :(

Get a Grip WOMAN!

Why is it in my nature to create drama for myself when nothing has actually happened? Is there a lack of stimulus in my life? I find myself taking the facts, twisting them up, putting them back down and being upset they are all twisted up like that. I know insecurity is playing a part in my delusions, but maybe I am also missing something else. That is how I am feeling, incomplete. Patience is not a virtue of mine, but this might be a way to acquire it. I believe that my emotional reality is completely skewed. I cannot trust my gut. I'm trying to learn how to be satisfied by ways of seeing reality in the eyes of a minimalist, and find appreciation in what I do have instead of wanting more. I know my need for attention has to be fulfilled in other ways, and I can remember a time when I able to rely on myself for this. Again, struggling with balance and the ability to relax. I take things and analyze them until I am so wound up, my stomach hurts and my nose bleeds. There is no purpose to this except to create stress in my life. I am not sure why I do this to myself periodically, but I need to find a way to make peace.