It's been AWHILE

In an instant it seems, I have been given a true and pure love like I have never experienced before. Security and trust are paramours. You can't have one without the other, and in my life I have never found the ability to allow that until now. As each day passes, the idea of a soul mate seemingly makes more and more sense. I more or less have always wanted what is unfolding before my eyes, but I did not believe it was actually possible. I felt as though personal choices and a more structured sort of decision was the key to a successful partnership. An emotional connect and attraction always started things off, but then a more practical mind set would settle in, possibly because of the examples laid out for me from an early age, or the state of which our society casts an unfavorable connotation on marriage. Either way, likely a mixture of both, led me to believe that the simplicity of true love was just a fairy tale . Innocence did not last long, and a less than ideal "American dream" was spawned in my mind.

I believe that this past year has brought me to a new understanding of trust in myself, and not feeling so suppressed with worry that i am not fulfilling what was intended for me or expected of me. I still have some angst, which isn't entirely negative, but I also can't beat myself up any longer for things that have not yet even occurred. Fear is such a strong emotion that can seep into every crevice of your existence. Worrying is merely a result of fear which consumes more time and space than it deserves and can only feed inefficiency. Learning how to let go, even if it took nearly falling off the edge, was something in my life that needed to progress. Finding that one thing leads to another, and the choreography of life is just as amazing as the creation of it, all the way down to each blade of grass and every cell in your body. Puzzling isn't it, when you're on the roller coaster of life and you thought you had forgotten to take that deep breath at the top, but then all of a sudden you are at the bottom, and no quicker do you try to inhale, you are already on another upward incline...Finding myself in a position of unadulterated happiness without fear has been the most freeing and remarkable emotional acquisition I have secured in my life. And the anticipation of what is yet to come has begun the most profound impact on my heart and soul. I mean, it's simply amazing when life hands you things at the least expected of times. I am also finding that in crisis comes great things, and although I am very capable and have become somewhat adapted to avoid things, when confronted I tend to open more doors than necessary. Once the issues have emerged, I find no other choice but to inundate myself with it all, trying to solve everything and nothing all at once, which creates a ton of confusion and despair; but with hindsight, I see that it played out just the way it was supposed to. Nothing will ever be completely resolved because of the constant momentum of life, and every experience has its impact which will always resurface as each life event unfolds. The only way to ensure your existence is to know these fundamental lessons of life are purposeful. The power of positivity is such a phenomenon. What a gift, this life we have been given, and the resolves that come, every step of the way. I really am in awe of the timing, and so hopeful of future. The domino effect that the most current turmoil has brought out of me, and my thoughts just really have become so enlightened and there is a calmness I am experiencing for the first time in my life. This stint of growth has exposed a feeling that I think I suppressed from a lack of innocence or possibly never knew, or at least never grasped to this degree. A childlike renewal of clarity with a new found belief of love and an even deeper understanding of gratitude and commitment, the possibilities are infinite and even more so --inspirationally exciting :).

oh snap, double click!

I think I've got it. Security. That is the key! I can give myself all I have, but it is really only measured by outside opinions. Everything that is in your heart has always been there, but it takes the observation and appreciation from the people in your life to let you know that you are okay. When you are unfulfilled in your life by means of who you surround yourself with, it becomes seemingly impossible to have an sort of satisfaction with yourself. The dance of life is very interesting when viewed through the eyes of someone unwilling. Some people just have no clue how to give back. I have always come from the adage "do unto others as you would want done unto you." I don't believe everyone here abides by that, and not to their fault, but it's just as people are. I am not perfect, but i certainly don't think I lack compassion in any sense of the word. Sometimes I am overly blunt, but that is just honesty which not everyone can handle either. I do not always intend to come off as harsh as I do. I don't believe all esteem stems from inside. I believe it is rooted there, but how can the only way you feel about yourself come from within when there are hundreds of outside forces you come in contact with in your daily life? I can be completely self sufficient, but without the pride of my father, or the happiness of my siblings, or the jealousy of others why would I strive for more? I know there is me and my own wants and needs, and some people in this world only fend for themselves, but I am not one of them. I find my inspiration lies with others in mind. It is something I enjoy doing and gives me purpose. I find that I need very little as far as material things, and I have always preferred the emotional support of others. Maybe that comes from the lack there of in the past, but that is not something that is going to leave me, instead I'd rather be proud of it even if I come up short in other places. There is an art to grasping other people's feelings, and opening your heart to them. I find that it is very freeing and my spirit becomes light as a feather. Considering other people's opinions, thoughts, needs and wants gives me more insight sometimes than actual life experience. If you can let go of self absorption and just try on someone else's skin, at least as best you can, open your mind, and the world's dynamics make a lot more sense and you may learn a thing or two about yourself.

))tick tock((

Why must my life be run by this measurement of "time"? Who decided a minute was 60 seconds, and what is the purpose of keeping track of it all? I understand the importance of limiting yourself as to push to get things done, but why is it so crucial? I find that my inner clock is much wiser and it has no idea what AM and PM are, or how to even read an analog time keeping device, let alone any of our man made existence shackles. I am a driven person, I want to wake up and go to work and get things done and feel accomplished and successful, but why must it be such a ridged and forced way of life controlled by this intangible barrier of 'time'? I am not the kind of person who is easily told what to do, nor do i like restraints put on me unless i choose to put them there. I think for the majority of my life i have been very responsible and disciplined when i needed to do so. Occasionally a small fire needed to be lit under my ass, but i think this world would better judged if people were more given more freedom of choice. It would separate the winners from the losers in a sense of self-motivation. Time is of the essence, says who? My time shouldn't necessarily be the same as your time. People don't remember how fast you did things, but rather how well you did them. I am quick and thorough most of the time, but I think without the pressure of the tick of the clock, things could be done more thoughtfully and less mistakes made. Also, in the scheme of life, if I am not tired, why must the clock tell me I need to go to bed? I would accomplish the same things if I was to rise and rest as I please and the quality of my existence would be greatly enhanced by the subtraction of the stresses associated with 'time'. As soon as five o'clock hits on a Friday, I am freed from the notion of time until Sunday rolls around, and I get anxious in the anticipation of Monday, checking the time several times through out the day, almost as a countdown to reality. I wish I could live clock free and I think it would do wonders for everyone if we just lived by the rule, "work before play" as often as possible, relieving the weight of this momentary measurement.

How the tides have changed...

My oh, my. No less than 3 months ago did I feel in over my head, the waves crashing down, shoving me under water with no air left to breathe. My knees scraped from the rough sandy shelf of shells and rocks and desbris as I am sucked in by the undertow of life. No control of the happenings around me, my body tumbling through the salty water, eyes burning, scared of the outcome with nothing to cling to. Then the fear disapates as you realize there is nothing you can do but let go, there is no use fighting it. The sea is unforgiving, but oh how we thank him when he spits us out onto shore. Beaten, hair slapped to my face, joints raw and bloody, I crawl up past the water's edge. Throwing an arm up to the sky and rolling on to my back, laid out like a starfish, I am defeated. Every breath exagerated by skeletal ribs, while the drops of saline dew on my skin shimmer in the sun. I open my eyes and look up to the sun and say, "I am still here." The kind sun warms me and dries me off, evaporating the heaviness of the water and making it easier to brush off the sand. I am reminded that all things that happen do end, and that I am stronger than I know, even amidst uncontrolable circumstances.

92553

I understand the importance of forgiveness, and I feel as though I have completely emersed myself in that feeling for years now, but forgiveness has not healed the void. I know it could be worse, and plenty of people have less than I do, and I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life, but no one can replace a mother. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do feel that a part of me will never be satisfied. I accept the situation, I am not angry, I am not pitiful, but I still yearn for that relationship, even if it would have been incredibly delinquent and harmful to myself. You forget what people say, you forget what people did, but you never forget how they made you feel - good and bad. I have a tendency to ignore the bad things, or rather endure them, just to have a small portion of the good. I have very large threshold for pain, both physical and emotional. This also resurrects the question of why I feel I need to punish myself all the time. I am truly guilt-ridden a lot of the time about things that are out of my control. This being one of them. There is no going back, there is no changing what has happened, but I still have a hole in my heart that creates all kinds of anxiety. I do not deal with separation well, I worry about everyone I care about constantly, I always think about when I am going to lose people and how awful that feeling would be. Some days those thoughts are overwhelming and drive me to serious disillusion of the world around me and skews the line of reality to a point of bewilderment for me. Even trying to put this in writing at the moment, my thoughts are scattered and its a rollercoaster on autopilot with no breaks, no end to the ride. I want to cry, I want to get over it, I want someone to show me that it is possible and I am not the only one with this seemingly impossible obstacle to overcome. And there are thoughts of just wanting to completely digress. I want to sit on her lap and have her braid my hair and sing me songs like she used to. When I was still innocent enough to not understand what abuse was and I could see through the eyes of a child adoring their mother. It would be a lie to say she was the best mother anyone could ask for, but she was mine and I will never have that again. Her sheer existence is just that: sheer. It's just an illusion of a person who I wish was the one I remember as a child, who did love me, who's faults were unnoticed, and who's imperfections seemed perfect. Now there is a physical entity, but the synapse between human and "being" is questionable. With mental illness, and physical trauma, and a meaningless life without a purpose, who really knows where her mind is or what she really cares to know or remember or be reminded of. I would give up anything to just have one more kitchen table discussion with her, the big sturdy wooden table with a life time of meaningful nicks and vandalism on its surface, sitting there in her t-shirt, smoking a cigarette, bobbing her crossed leg up and down in those Wigwam socks. To just really know how she feels and why it had to be like this and the chance to feel that connection one last time. Maybe because sometimes I think I could use the insight for myself. To understand how someone could give up entirely when there were reasons to salvage something of your life, even if not for yourself, but for your children. The mystery will remain unsolved for the rest of my life, and I have to find a way to be okay with that. I want to just let it go, dust in the wind, but I allowed my ego to win this battle because I am not equipped to find my peace yet apparently. Maybe in time, I can find a way to know that it is over and to realize that I am not missing anything.

$% Falling for Eternity %$

When my fears take over, my whole being is compromised. I have had so many encounters with various stress related symptoms I don't know if I can count them all. From my hair falling out in mass quantities, to grinding my teeth in my sleep, all kinds of eating dysfunction, a short stint of cutting in my early teens, alcoholism, nightmares, primal screaming, paranoia -I just don't have very functional coping skills. Sometimes I can make fairly sound decisions, but typically that is not enough, and I continually revert back to my defective ways. Then of course, starts the cycle of my typical train of thought that has just become this tight circle I cannot escape. Do I create the drama in order to justify my delinquent behavior? Or does the outside forces of circumstance and pressure just make me buckle because I am unfit to handle things and too stubborn to learn, or rather unlearn my ways? Its upsetting to look back and see a time when I had a much better handle on things. I know I have grown in other ways through the past few years, but there is a clear digression in my emotional stability. The ego driven neediness is probably the hardest thing I have come to face with and I am truly unwilling to fight it. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, but I can only do so much to fulfill myself. I wish I could be all encompassing for myself, but the blackhole does not allow it.

i hate sundays...

Just around 8pm is usually when it hits me. Its getting dark, I've exhausted all my leisurely distractions, I decide it best not to go out since I will have to be up early in the AM, and there I am, alone and mind reeling. The anxiety starts and I think about how ridiculous I am, and how terrible it is that I cannot just 'be'. It makes me feel pathetic, and dislike myself even more. The fact that I am lonely is one thing, but then there is also the frustration that I am not able to deal with it. I don't feel strong like I used to, and the fact that I am needy makes me angry at myself. Everyone tells me I am going to be fine, but that is so hard to see from this angle. I feel like I have no direction, no lead. The person I see in the mirror is this horrible terrible person and the only thing that is of any comfort is to try and listen to other people's positive opinions and soak that in for a moment. But this also is a catch 22, seeing that I need others to make me feel good about myself makes me feel so sad, the fact that I need them to convince me that I am not that bad. So I lay in bed, thoughts whirling around my head with no actual pattern or coherence, eyes glazed over the television, not really even watching. Then I mull over my list of vices: cigarettes, alcohol, gluten, sexual attention, someone's shoulder to cry on or ear to talk off (whichever way you want to see it)....which one is going to be the least damning in the morning? I want to cry but I can't. I want to just go to sleep but I can't. I want to cry myself into an emotional exhaustion where my mind just doesn't think anymore, and all I can do is sleep. But if I can't cry, what am I going to do to make my mind quiet? I don't have another outlet or any source of inspiration to follow or to help me relax. With no answers and no direction, I get mad at myself again, why am I so dumb? Why can't I figure it out? Why am I letting all this get the best of me? I rather not burden my friends with all my stupid drama, they don't really care or understand anyway, everyone has themselves to worry about. I probably don't even make sense, why waste their time? I surely am a lost cause. They can listen to me over and over again, but no one has the answers to how I will revive my self-esteem. This is all on me, and I just don't have it in me right now. The tunnel is just dark, no end in sight. I feel robbed and scarred. What did i do to deserve to have my self worth stripped away when all I ever did and want to do is give myself unconditionally with complete and almost blind understanding? Now, I am here, alone on Sunday, left to pick up the pieces with a sinking and emotionally empty outlook, using everyone and everything as my crutch, spiralling further down since I am useless to myself, worthless and burdening the people around me, I don't know what to do, and the thoughts just do not cease.

Way too much shit in my head...

-I can only love deeply once, and if it isn’t reciprocated, the only option is to settle for what you get from the person you truly love, even if it is not 100%, or give the next person what you are getting from the one you really love and then they have to accept that you aren’t able to be 100% for them.



-I am creating this drama to distract myself from the real issues at heart, but cannot seem to focus otherwise because of my lack of ability to believe in myself.



-I don’t know how to really love and rely on myself anymore because I have lost my sense of self worth.



-I equate worrying about someone to how much I love them. In the same manner, I look and create drama in my life hoping someone worries about me so I know they love me.



-I do not hold on to the negative and may over accentuate the positive, with little positive in my life, I try and compensate so I have reason to be happy by focusing on the smaller things. This makes people think I am delusional.



-I am not whole heartedly able to give myself the attention and focus I need in other aspects of my life without knowing the state in which I am loved by another.



-I can distract myself for so long and use other people to fill me up, but the farce is short lived because as soon as something shifts, my insecurities take over and I become completely unstable.



-I don’t feel like I dislike myself, but maybe what I think I am, and what other people think I am are two different things. The way other people see me as a sweet, smart, pretty, happy person is what I want to believe, but inside I see myself as more of a conniving, desperate, sad, unintelligent burden because I really don’t think I can do anything on my own.



-My feelings do not always match reality. I “know” I am all the good things that you can describe about me because others have told me. I don’t necessarily see those things unless I know I am loved. Then things are clearer.



-If I am not doing things for someone else to make myself happy and to gain their approval, I don’t have motivation for my own life.



-I battle internally with myself about giving up. I want to, but I can’t. The area in between leaves me just floating along, no direction, no motivation, no real purpose, just going thru the motions.

-I cannot satisfy myself without being able to give my heart to someone. Once I am doing that, I find that I will make healthier choices for myself for the benefit of us both and it is easy.



-I don’t want others to pity me, but I want their concern. I want help, but I don’t want them to do it for me. I want hugs and kisses and reassurance, advice and a shoulder.



-It could all be as simple as I want to love and be loved. No strings attached, just pure uninhibited love. After that, all should fall into place?

Back to the Stroke part II

Because of an unfortunate and uncontrollable tragedy, I have found myself guilt ridden. I know it is not my fault, but somehow in my heart, I don't completely believe that. When situations such as this arise, i find myself really thinking i could have done something to prevent it. I should have been there and all the "what if i..."'s. As many times as i can be told, or tell myself it was not something I did to anyone, I just can't get over these kinds of thoughts. This inspires me to try and make things better and make up for my wrong, but my efforts never seem satisfactory to me. I try to rectify what i feel was a lack of concern or my own selfishness, but I can never seem to resolve it within myself. Then when I step back and look at the situation objectively, and "know" it is not my fault, but cannot deny how I feel, then i can analyze myself and maybe i am intending to help the situation, but possibly i am punishing myself for a crime i emotionally feel i committed? So clearly when there is no control over something, how can you possibly believe it was your doing? Emotions and reality, not friends in my world. Solutions are not even existent in this place either it seems...

Misunderstood

The place i seem to go wrong most of the time is right in the crossroads of reality and emotional stability. I know in my head that I am perfectly fine all by myself, I don't really like taking help from anyone, especially hand outs or pity. Then my emotions get involved, and I start to get comfortable and greedy. I lose my independence trying to regain the feeling of security, expecting someone else to replace the unconditional love and comfort of a mother. Realistically, I know this is impossible, but emotionally it is a struggle that I always find myself in. Then the snowball effect begins, and i turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. I want it so bad, I cling so hard, that it slips right between my fingers. Its like squeezing a palm full of sand instead of holding it losely. Then by losing that person that i was trying to fill the void with, spirals me further into my emotional death trap. Now i am longing even more for that comfort that i just can't seem to provide for myself. I find a way to manage afterwards, but scarred and beat up, sometimes blaming others, when in hindsight, i can only blame myself.

i pwn you...

Controlling my emotions is probably one of the toughest things I have ever had to conquer. The minute I feel like I have something concrete in my life, I become over invested. This causes whatever I felt was concrete to melt and then I am left standing on shakey ground. I need to try and keep my footing on more than one slab of concrete. Maybe its the fact that I have never had stable ground that makes me so dependent on one slab. I want my slab back :(

Get a Grip WOMAN!

Why is it in my nature to create drama for myself when nothing has actually happened? Is there a lack of stimulus in my life? I find myself taking the facts, twisting them up, putting them back down and being upset they are all twisted up like that. I know insecurity is playing a part in my delusions, but maybe I am also missing something else. That is how I am feeling, incomplete. Patience is not a virtue of mine, but this might be a way to acquire it. I believe that my emotional reality is completely skewed. I cannot trust my gut. I'm trying to learn how to be satisfied by ways of seeing reality in the eyes of a minimalist, and find appreciation in what I do have instead of wanting more. I know my need for attention has to be fulfilled in other ways, and I can remember a time when I able to rely on myself for this. Again, struggling with balance and the ability to relax. I take things and analyze them until I am so wound up, my stomach hurts and my nose bleeds. There is no purpose to this except to create stress in my life. I am not sure why I do this to myself periodically, but I need to find a way to make peace.

cause of the trainwreck...

Really deep down, I am so vulnerable I can't even stand myself. I am very capable of taking care of myself and I feel like my self sufficiency stems from a lack of trust in other people. Once I let someone in, that is when all my insecurities surface. The fear of abandonment is so deeply rooted in me, I have a hard time exposing myself. I also become resentful of someone for "making" me care about them because of this fear. Sometimes I can control it, but when I am caught off guard, I end up completely self destructing. I sacrifice everything I love in my life because of an emotional fear that I am aware of, but disregard most of the time. I don't know how to make it go away, so i ignore it. I have a healthy self image, I know who I am, but once I feel so strongly for someone, this fear rips the rug right out from underneath me. When I recognize it and rationalize it, the fire can be put out in the matter of minutes. But when I let my guard down, I turn into everything I have ever hated and become my own worst enemy, throwing away everything I know and trust in myself, in an attempt to fulfill a void that just cannot be filled that way. I sabotage myself which leads to self hatred and desperation. My lack of ability to balance also plays in the mix, crushing all my esteem to bits. My shame and guilt eats me away until there is barely anything left. Letting this fear take hold of my emotions and my lack of self control and inability to reassess a situation makes me my own plague.

Death by Gluten

Tuesday I may have nearly destroyed my stomach from ingesting a copious amount of yeasty piss water a/k/a beer...I feel like my stomach is tied in a knot with a knife jabbed through it. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I sure hope it goes away soon. I haven't eaten a real meal in about a week. I've been sparsely nibbling on things here or there, mostly salad or soup, but not with much enjoyment. I feel like an idiot for doing it to myself, but I really didn't think it would be a week long recovery...oh well, I guess you live and you learn, but that line is really just a cop out.

I have been wondering what it is that really drives me to be so reckless and ignorant to myself. What kind of self satisfaction do I get from attempting to annihilate myself? I know originally I am just having fun, but I have absolutely no self control. It is like I can't do anything in moderation. I am either 100% in or 100% out - no matter what the game is - gym, drinking, working, running, relationships, eating, etc. Currently I have been having trouble balancing myself. I almost think if I didn't put limitations or restraints on myself - like only drinking once a week or mandatory running 3 times a week - then maybe I could fluctuate without feeling guilty and find some kind balance. Instead of having a set schedule or plan, just try going on feelings daily or even hourly, and do what i feel like doing and not feel like I have to make excuses for it and be happy with my decision. I don't know where this worry and guilt comes from all the time. I have fairly high expectations of myself, but I know I am only human and have my flaws and am allowed to make mistakes. When I have been giving myself one day to let loose, I seem to just throw all caution to the wind and spiral out of control. But then I think if I don't limit myself, I could end up choosing to drink every day of the week. Is that really a bad thing if I am not completely out of control? Would that be keeping things in moderation? I know sometimes i chose to drink to relax or to try and forget about something that is bothering me. Sometimes I question my intentions, but usually I feel like I do get some kind of release, even if there is no solution. When things are out of my control, I tend to have high anxiety - I lose sleep and I lose my appetite and become very worried. Going out and having people around me, and talking about things, and then having some good laughs is normally a good resolve for me, even if the problem still exists. Then other times, I will go for a run or a walk to clear my head. Or I will just listen to music or make myself a new playlist to reflect my mood and play it to death until even I am sick of my own self pity. Or then sometimes I will go have a big greasy meal to satisfy my yearn for endorphin release, and then obviously I have to make up for that for the rest of the week or i feel sick from eating something disgusting. And at times when I don't have much other choice, I will write it out and try and analyze myself. Usually then followed by a copy and paste to a good friend for their input (you know who you are). So basically we are at that stage. I am not mad at myself, but more concerned. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly is the motivation for the behavior and how to balance it out so I am not questioning or concerned about my choices.

Life Time Achievement Award

On my way to work today i passed by a church where i saw a mother holding her baby daughter talking to a little old man, and it got me thinking. They clearly weren't related, but you could just see the kindness being exchanged. The mother so proud of her child, coaxing her to say hello to the older man. The man smiling softly, in need of an interpersonal connection, and the woman being gracious enough to give him a few moments of her time. I am one of the first people that will tell you i am selfish, but the way i feel about people is very compassionate. Everyone has good days and bad days, but some times the coldness of some people is just unnecessary. Why should you be creeped out or offended that the sandwich delivery guy knows your name and says hello? I can understand possibly being surprised, but just say hello back and smile would be the polite and warm thing to do. He is just doing his job trying to make the most of his day. Too many people disregard other people's feelings. It takes so little to be genuinely kind, and i feel it makes a huge difference in daily interactions for yourself and the people around you. Just a smile goes a long way, and it doesn't hurt anyone or cost anything. Listening to other people, and giving just a moment of your time can be very rewarding. We all teach our children at a very young age that you have to share, but as adults i think people should review what sharing is. It's not only about a toy or a snack, but sharing your time, your courtesy, your honesty, or your friendliness is a gift that doesn't take much, but certainly can change someone's day.

all growed up :)

So here I am revisiting my Blogspot, remembering where I was just a year ago, and really seeing the transformation I have gone through, and I am excited to express that I have found a way to understand myself a little better and I feel that I have become even more myself. Learning that life isn't a fairytale was difficult, but chasing the dream that society had beaten into me since I was born, was more difficult because I can never attain such perfection as a dream of a five year old little girl. Remembering how low I was and how dark I felt, my world was crashing down all around me, reminds me how I had really chosen that for myself by trying to achieve what I felt others expected of me, and not really looking at what I really wanted. If only we make the conscious or unconscious effort to do the right thing and be at peace with our own existence, accepting life as it comes, rather than constantly worrying when will everything be 'right' or what is going to happen next, life becomes easy and enjoyable. It is nice to stop and enjoy the moment for exactly what it is, and when you slow down a little, I've found for myself I listen better to everyone around me, including myself. I find that opportunities find me and life is full of unexpected surprises when you let go of expectations. To just 'be' is bliss. Carefree and smiling--comfortable with me and glowing. I can be who I am and not have that bitterness as I used to because I have learned not to be entitled. Cheerful, thoughtful, generous, humorous, and just happy -I guess because I stopped doing it for someone else, and I started doing it for me. I like doing nice things because it makes me feel good, not because I want someone else to like me or thought that by doing good I would have good done back to me. I've always owned my choices, but I just felt entitled, when really, no one owes me a thing. I've learned confidence is humble, and its a waste of time to be mad. I chose happiness and i choose laughter and i choose not to sweat the small stuff, but to appreciate it.