Death by Gluten

Tuesday I may have nearly destroyed my stomach from ingesting a copious amount of yeasty piss water a/k/a beer...I feel like my stomach is tied in a knot with a knife jabbed through it. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I sure hope it goes away soon. I haven't eaten a real meal in about a week. I've been sparsely nibbling on things here or there, mostly salad or soup, but not with much enjoyment. I feel like an idiot for doing it to myself, but I really didn't think it would be a week long recovery...oh well, I guess you live and you learn, but that line is really just a cop out.

I have been wondering what it is that really drives me to be so reckless and ignorant to myself. What kind of self satisfaction do I get from attempting to annihilate myself? I know originally I am just having fun, but I have absolutely no self control. It is like I can't do anything in moderation. I am either 100% in or 100% out - no matter what the game is - gym, drinking, working, running, relationships, eating, etc. Currently I have been having trouble balancing myself. I almost think if I didn't put limitations or restraints on myself - like only drinking once a week or mandatory running 3 times a week - then maybe I could fluctuate without feeling guilty and find some kind balance. Instead of having a set schedule or plan, just try going on feelings daily or even hourly, and do what i feel like doing and not feel like I have to make excuses for it and be happy with my decision. I don't know where this worry and guilt comes from all the time. I have fairly high expectations of myself, but I know I am only human and have my flaws and am allowed to make mistakes. When I have been giving myself one day to let loose, I seem to just throw all caution to the wind and spiral out of control. But then I think if I don't limit myself, I could end up choosing to drink every day of the week. Is that really a bad thing if I am not completely out of control? Would that be keeping things in moderation? I know sometimes i chose to drink to relax or to try and forget about something that is bothering me. Sometimes I question my intentions, but usually I feel like I do get some kind of release, even if there is no solution. When things are out of my control, I tend to have high anxiety - I lose sleep and I lose my appetite and become very worried. Going out and having people around me, and talking about things, and then having some good laughs is normally a good resolve for me, even if the problem still exists. Then other times, I will go for a run or a walk to clear my head. Or I will just listen to music or make myself a new playlist to reflect my mood and play it to death until even I am sick of my own self pity. Or then sometimes I will go have a big greasy meal to satisfy my yearn for endorphin release, and then obviously I have to make up for that for the rest of the week or i feel sick from eating something disgusting. And at times when I don't have much other choice, I will write it out and try and analyze myself. Usually then followed by a copy and paste to a good friend for their input (you know who you are). So basically we are at that stage. I am not mad at myself, but more concerned. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly is the motivation for the behavior and how to balance it out so I am not questioning or concerned about my choices.