Love Kills Slowly...

Just when things are seemingly perfect, I have to go and lose my cool. Maybe I am just a miserable bitch who will never be happy with anything. I am truly an emotional masochist. They typical psychological explanation is that I think I don't deserve to be happy, so I will stop at nothing to achieve self hatred and disgust with my life. Periodically I do this to myself, and it is so frustrating not to really understand why. I know I should be grateful for what I do have in my life and I try to be, but maybe I am just that selfish and childish to throw it all haphazardly into the wind on a moment of self-centered pity and anger? I have issues with security, and now being almost a year deep, I worry endlessly about losing the person I love. I have serious issues with trust and abandonment. It is like as soon as I am happy, I chose to ruin it for fear of being rejected. Loving someone is such a risk for me because I am convinced that they will leave me, because I am like this. It is a really hard emotional paradox to always want to be loved, yet not believe it is ever going to last. I've put all my eggs in one basket and I am afraid that was a mistake. Maybe I have too many eggs and the basket is going to break. It makes me angry that it seemed like it was invited and wanted, for me to put all my faith and trust in one person, but then as soon as I do, I am expected not to completely rely on them. I know I am bigger and better than losing it and flying off the handle, but if you are going to compare me to her, you wouldn't also question your actions, that maybe the way you treat someone could bring on some strong emotional outbursts? It is no excuse for how I reacted, but it is not fair or right for me to bear the entire burden. If you were so perfect as to never have done anything wrong, then how could things build up to that moment? It doesn't make it right, but it takes two, so to speak. I would like to believe that in perspective I am not 'crazy' and that my feelings, even if expressed irrationally, are not invalid.