$% Falling for Eternity %$

When my fears take over, my whole being is compromised. I have had so many encounters with various stress related symptoms I don't know if I can count them all. From my hair falling out in mass quantities, to grinding my teeth in my sleep, all kinds of eating dysfunction, a short stint of cutting in my early teens, alcoholism, nightmares, primal screaming, paranoia -I just don't have very functional coping skills. Sometimes I can make fairly sound decisions, but typically that is not enough, and I continually revert back to my defective ways. Then of course, starts the cycle of my typical train of thought that has just become this tight circle I cannot escape. Do I create the drama in order to justify my delinquent behavior? Or does the outside forces of circumstance and pressure just make me buckle because I am unfit to handle things and too stubborn to learn, or rather unlearn my ways? Its upsetting to look back and see a time when I had a much better handle on things. I know I have grown in other ways through the past few years, but there is a clear digression in my emotional stability. The ego driven neediness is probably the hardest thing I have come to face with and I am truly unwilling to fight it. I don't know if that makes me a bad person, but I can only do so much to fulfill myself. I wish I could be all encompassing for myself, but the blackhole does not allow it.