all growed up :)

So here I am revisiting my Blogspot, remembering where I was just a year ago, and really seeing the transformation I have gone through, and I am excited to express that I have found a way to understand myself a little better and I feel that I have become even more myself. Learning that life isn't a fairytale was difficult, but chasing the dream that society had beaten into me since I was born, was more difficult because I can never attain such perfection as a dream of a five year old little girl. Remembering how low I was and how dark I felt, my world was crashing down all around me, reminds me how I had really chosen that for myself by trying to achieve what I felt others expected of me, and not really looking at what I really wanted. If only we make the conscious or unconscious effort to do the right thing and be at peace with our own existence, accepting life as it comes, rather than constantly worrying when will everything be 'right' or what is going to happen next, life becomes easy and enjoyable. It is nice to stop and enjoy the moment for exactly what it is, and when you slow down a little, I've found for myself I listen better to everyone around me, including myself. I find that opportunities find me and life is full of unexpected surprises when you let go of expectations. To just 'be' is bliss. Carefree and smiling--comfortable with me and glowing. I can be who I am and not have that bitterness as I used to because I have learned not to be entitled. Cheerful, thoughtful, generous, humorous, and just happy -I guess because I stopped doing it for someone else, and I started doing it for me. I like doing nice things because it makes me feel good, not because I want someone else to like me or thought that by doing good I would have good done back to me. I've always owned my choices, but I just felt entitled, when really, no one owes me a thing. I've learned confidence is humble, and its a waste of time to be mad. I chose happiness and i choose laughter and i choose not to sweat the small stuff, but to appreciate it.

knowing when you are not wanted.

I learned on Saturday that you might think someone appreciates you, your company, and your efforts, but that isn't always the case. It isn't really personal. You can do your best and try and make the best of a bad situation, showing up and trying to brighten a few hours in their day, even if they can't remember, because you feel that is something that can only help--but you could be wrong. It might just hurt them more to be reminded that you exist, and have to think about the shell of a person they have become. Your sheer presents is a stab that you didn't intend, and they stab back. Reality is a harsh place, and although you meant well, maybe it is better for everyone if it is left alone. Maybe there is a part of me that just wants to have a little piece of the old version back, but i am barking up the wrong tree. Maybe i have disillusioned myself to believe i have been doing 'the right thing' all these years, but this last experience has left me scarred and questioning the real reason for these trips. Have i just not allowed myself to accept the severity of this situation because it is too tough to stomach, so i pretend its okay? I think i might have just found acceptance.

Happy Cinco de Sunburn

I have come to realize that i try too hard. i want what i want, and somehow i never stop an let things be. i am always trying different angles and attempting to coax things to be exactly what i want. it is like dangling a carrot in front of life. It came to light as to why this isn't working for me anymore. Always having your hand in something takes away from the genuine nature of the act. it is like circling exactly what you want in a magazine and leaving it out for someone to find rather than having someone think about you and come up with a special and suiting gift all on their own. That little something makes it genuine and special. It is something that i cannot fulfill for myself, and i have to step back and let things happen. If they don't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. i cannot force someone to understand me, or force them to be one step ahead. It is what i yearn for, but i cannot create it.
i have also seen that even though i may be looking for understanding and comfort, i cannot make that come either. If someone initially wants to pity themselves, that is their choice. Although it doesn't fulfill my needs, it doesn't mean that something wasn't taken away from the conversation. At first they may wallow, but hopefully will turn the lemons into lemonade.

...and the record skips again

I know i keep saying this, but i really have to stop. i am not going to continue doing everything to make things better. Every time i step back and realize this, somehow i always return to the same old habits and i pick up the slack once again. Well, I've made a pact with myself that this week it is going to be different. I will only speak when spoke to, i will make plans with only myself in mind, and i will take care of what i need on my own. i am doing good so far, and i haven't even felt the need to reach out for any kind of crutch, but it is only Tuesday. I have to stay strong, or at the very least indifferent. I cannot make things go my way when it comes to love, it has to happen on its own. if i can just keep myself blank then there is a chance that i could be surprised, but as i stand now, i expect to be disappointed. I don't have to be disappointed with myself, and maybe this week being a recluse might just be my ticket. I can stay dry and unfocused on anything, diluting my worries with TV and beer. I don't have a horrible life, although my love life is far less than par. i came to a terrible realization last week about how i have been holding myself back in order to let a far less superior attempt to pass me. I know in the end, if it turns out how i would like, then it will be worth this pain and strife. If things go the other route and cannot be resolved, this last attempt will breed true resentment and will never be turned around. So this is it, and i feel that it is possible, but i fear that it not going to come together quick enough to be attainable or suitable for both sets of needs. Its not only about trying, but passing the true test-which would be succeeding.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200

i am trying to live and let live. I cannot fix someone else, but of course i am still doing everything in my power to help them see the error in their ways and pleading with a higher power to help them correct and deal with their issues. Help is a funny word, because as it seems in a situation with a very strong, opinionated, 'take charge' kind of person, paired with a passive, unfocused, comfortable person--the obvious has been occurring. i have definitely stirred things up and shaken up the 'comfort zone', but as for actually putting the pieces back together, i am not able to. So did i actually help things? or did i just make a mess that i cannot clean up? For myself, i know i did what i needed to do to try and get to the place that would allow us to progress forward. But now i am left waiting, hoping and wishing that things could just get better. While i am waiting for a miracle, i have stunted my own growth, and have chose to sit in my own shit. i feel that i am so focused on getting what i feel i deserve, after putting in all my time and effort, that this being my last approach to fixing things, i am holding myself back. I fear that if i start to gain momentum singularly, i will become an even stronger person and regain my self confidence and have to choose myself over anything or anyone else. Now that may sound like a good thing, but i feel that would be a disservice to all my previous efforts and i would have to come to terms with the end, which i am not ready to do. I've been keeping myself in a place where i am not gathered or clear minded in hopes that somehow things will even out. I have been tearing myself down thinking it is going to make it easier to become equals. It has been a struggle to stay stagnant, but how else will he ever catch up? In a way there is a part of me that wants to be 'saved' but i know darn well how to save myself. i just have such a desire to get what i have been hoping and dreaming for for years, that i just will not allow it to be ruined or taken away from me. i will sacrifice my entire self. Until i have completely exhausted every option, i will keep beating it until i am convinced it is good and dead. I do not know my point of defeat, but i am not done yet.

Lights, camera, ACTION!

Currently, i feel like i am constantly MAKING things happen, and not much of my own happiness comes from any outside source. I am always in charge, initiating things, having ideas, implementing plans--the director. It has left me with a overwhelmingly dark cloud cast over the movie of my life--asking myself, "Is this real?" My life is feeling a bit contrived. When is someone going to put the moves on me, and make my life better, and more fun, and more fulfilling? How come i never get back what i put in? This is why i don't gamble consciously. I am just not a lucky person, and i have always worked for what i want, and i use the same strategy when it comes to love, but it doesn't work. i kick and scream and ask and tell and direct and cry and coax and hope and wish and try and try again....

April 15th is the WORST

Today has been quite a friggin' mess. Something like a blender with no lid ::frappe:: My emotions are scattered all over the place from personal matters, therefore EVERYTHING is irritating. Every other request directed at me has me going into my phone booth and quickly switching into Super Bitch. i have not been able to shake this demeanor for days. I find myself indulging in my legal addiction- food - constantly, and then feeling bad and guilty. i wish i was more fearful of my own guilt, but i always find a way to justify it. I am just not where i want to be, emotionally or physically. On a positive note, i find that even though i am Super Bitch, and have unexplainable emotional outbursts entangled in the past and can't seem to find a nice bone in my body, i have been pleasantly surprised with the reactions and feedback from my paramour. So at least on of us is starting to figure things out. I wish i could be more appreciative of these measures on the outside, but my walls are up, the gloves are on, and it is not going to be an easy feat. I feel like this is going to be a very very long road of undoing the past.