cause of the trainwreck...

Really deep down, I am so vulnerable I can't even stand myself. I am very capable of taking care of myself and I feel like my self sufficiency stems from a lack of trust in other people. Once I let someone in, that is when all my insecurities surface. The fear of abandonment is so deeply rooted in me, I have a hard time exposing myself. I also become resentful of someone for "making" me care about them because of this fear. Sometimes I can control it, but when I am caught off guard, I end up completely self destructing. I sacrifice everything I love in my life because of an emotional fear that I am aware of, but disregard most of the time. I don't know how to make it go away, so i ignore it. I have a healthy self image, I know who I am, but once I feel so strongly for someone, this fear rips the rug right out from underneath me. When I recognize it and rationalize it, the fire can be put out in the matter of minutes. But when I let my guard down, I turn into everything I have ever hated and become my own worst enemy, throwing away everything I know and trust in myself, in an attempt to fulfill a void that just cannot be filled that way. I sabotage myself which leads to self hatred and desperation. My lack of ability to balance also plays in the mix, crushing all my esteem to bits. My shame and guilt eats me away until there is barely anything left. Letting this fear take hold of my emotions and my lack of self control and inability to reassess a situation makes me my own plague.

Death by Gluten

Tuesday I may have nearly destroyed my stomach from ingesting a copious amount of yeasty piss water a/k/a beer...I feel like my stomach is tied in a knot with a knife jabbed through it. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I sure hope it goes away soon. I haven't eaten a real meal in about a week. I've been sparsely nibbling on things here or there, mostly salad or soup, but not with much enjoyment. I feel like an idiot for doing it to myself, but I really didn't think it would be a week long recovery...oh well, I guess you live and you learn, but that line is really just a cop out.

I have been wondering what it is that really drives me to be so reckless and ignorant to myself. What kind of self satisfaction do I get from attempting to annihilate myself? I know originally I am just having fun, but I have absolutely no self control. It is like I can't do anything in moderation. I am either 100% in or 100% out - no matter what the game is - gym, drinking, working, running, relationships, eating, etc. Currently I have been having trouble balancing myself. I almost think if I didn't put limitations or restraints on myself - like only drinking once a week or mandatory running 3 times a week - then maybe I could fluctuate without feeling guilty and find some kind balance. Instead of having a set schedule or plan, just try going on feelings daily or even hourly, and do what i feel like doing and not feel like I have to make excuses for it and be happy with my decision. I don't know where this worry and guilt comes from all the time. I have fairly high expectations of myself, but I know I am only human and have my flaws and am allowed to make mistakes. When I have been giving myself one day to let loose, I seem to just throw all caution to the wind and spiral out of control. But then I think if I don't limit myself, I could end up choosing to drink every day of the week. Is that really a bad thing if I am not completely out of control? Would that be keeping things in moderation? I know sometimes i chose to drink to relax or to try and forget about something that is bothering me. Sometimes I question my intentions, but usually I feel like I do get some kind of release, even if there is no solution. When things are out of my control, I tend to have high anxiety - I lose sleep and I lose my appetite and become very worried. Going out and having people around me, and talking about things, and then having some good laughs is normally a good resolve for me, even if the problem still exists. Then other times, I will go for a run or a walk to clear my head. Or I will just listen to music or make myself a new playlist to reflect my mood and play it to death until even I am sick of my own self pity. Or then sometimes I will go have a big greasy meal to satisfy my yearn for endorphin release, and then obviously I have to make up for that for the rest of the week or i feel sick from eating something disgusting. And at times when I don't have much other choice, I will write it out and try and analyze myself. Usually then followed by a copy and paste to a good friend for their input (you know who you are). So basically we are at that stage. I am not mad at myself, but more concerned. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly is the motivation for the behavior and how to balance it out so I am not questioning or concerned about my choices.

Life Time Achievement Award

On my way to work today i passed by a church where i saw a mother holding her baby daughter talking to a little old man, and it got me thinking. They clearly weren't related, but you could just see the kindness being exchanged. The mother so proud of her child, coaxing her to say hello to the older man. The man smiling softly, in need of an interpersonal connection, and the woman being gracious enough to give him a few moments of her time. I am one of the first people that will tell you i am selfish, but the way i feel about people is very compassionate. Everyone has good days and bad days, but some times the coldness of some people is just unnecessary. Why should you be creeped out or offended that the sandwich delivery guy knows your name and says hello? I can understand possibly being surprised, but just say hello back and smile would be the polite and warm thing to do. He is just doing his job trying to make the most of his day. Too many people disregard other people's feelings. It takes so little to be genuinely kind, and i feel it makes a huge difference in daily interactions for yourself and the people around you. Just a smile goes a long way, and it doesn't hurt anyone or cost anything. Listening to other people, and giving just a moment of your time can be very rewarding. We all teach our children at a very young age that you have to share, but as adults i think people should review what sharing is. It's not only about a toy or a snack, but sharing your time, your courtesy, your honesty, or your friendliness is a gift that doesn't take much, but certainly can change someone's day.

all growed up :)

So here I am revisiting my Blogspot, remembering where I was just a year ago, and really seeing the transformation I have gone through, and I am excited to express that I have found a way to understand myself a little better and I feel that I have become even more myself. Learning that life isn't a fairytale was difficult, but chasing the dream that society had beaten into me since I was born, was more difficult because I can never attain such perfection as a dream of a five year old little girl. Remembering how low I was and how dark I felt, my world was crashing down all around me, reminds me how I had really chosen that for myself by trying to achieve what I felt others expected of me, and not really looking at what I really wanted. If only we make the conscious or unconscious effort to do the right thing and be at peace with our own existence, accepting life as it comes, rather than constantly worrying when will everything be 'right' or what is going to happen next, life becomes easy and enjoyable. It is nice to stop and enjoy the moment for exactly what it is, and when you slow down a little, I've found for myself I listen better to everyone around me, including myself. I find that opportunities find me and life is full of unexpected surprises when you let go of expectations. To just 'be' is bliss. Carefree and smiling--comfortable with me and glowing. I can be who I am and not have that bitterness as I used to because I have learned not to be entitled. Cheerful, thoughtful, generous, humorous, and just happy -I guess because I stopped doing it for someone else, and I started doing it for me. I like doing nice things because it makes me feel good, not because I want someone else to like me or thought that by doing good I would have good done back to me. I've always owned my choices, but I just felt entitled, when really, no one owes me a thing. I've learned confidence is humble, and its a waste of time to be mad. I chose happiness and i choose laughter and i choose not to sweat the small stuff, but to appreciate it.

knowing when you are not wanted.

I learned on Saturday that you might think someone appreciates you, your company, and your efforts, but that isn't always the case. It isn't really personal. You can do your best and try and make the best of a bad situation, showing up and trying to brighten a few hours in their day, even if they can't remember, because you feel that is something that can only help--but you could be wrong. It might just hurt them more to be reminded that you exist, and have to think about the shell of a person they have become. Your sheer presents is a stab that you didn't intend, and they stab back. Reality is a harsh place, and although you meant well, maybe it is better for everyone if it is left alone. Maybe there is a part of me that just wants to have a little piece of the old version back, but i am barking up the wrong tree. Maybe i have disillusioned myself to believe i have been doing 'the right thing' all these years, but this last experience has left me scarred and questioning the real reason for these trips. Have i just not allowed myself to accept the severity of this situation because it is too tough to stomach, so i pretend its okay? I think i might have just found acceptance.

Happy Cinco de Sunburn

I have come to realize that i try too hard. i want what i want, and somehow i never stop an let things be. i am always trying different angles and attempting to coax things to be exactly what i want. it is like dangling a carrot in front of life. It came to light as to why this isn't working for me anymore. Always having your hand in something takes away from the genuine nature of the act. it is like circling exactly what you want in a magazine and leaving it out for someone to find rather than having someone think about you and come up with a special and suiting gift all on their own. That little something makes it genuine and special. It is something that i cannot fulfill for myself, and i have to step back and let things happen. If they don't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. i cannot force someone to understand me, or force them to be one step ahead. It is what i yearn for, but i cannot create it.
i have also seen that even though i may be looking for understanding and comfort, i cannot make that come either. If someone initially wants to pity themselves, that is their choice. Although it doesn't fulfill my needs, it doesn't mean that something wasn't taken away from the conversation. At first they may wallow, but hopefully will turn the lemons into lemonade.

...and the record skips again

I know i keep saying this, but i really have to stop. i am not going to continue doing everything to make things better. Every time i step back and realize this, somehow i always return to the same old habits and i pick up the slack once again. Well, I've made a pact with myself that this week it is going to be different. I will only speak when spoke to, i will make plans with only myself in mind, and i will take care of what i need on my own. i am doing good so far, and i haven't even felt the need to reach out for any kind of crutch, but it is only Tuesday. I have to stay strong, or at the very least indifferent. I cannot make things go my way when it comes to love, it has to happen on its own. if i can just keep myself blank then there is a chance that i could be surprised, but as i stand now, i expect to be disappointed. I don't have to be disappointed with myself, and maybe this week being a recluse might just be my ticket. I can stay dry and unfocused on anything, diluting my worries with TV and beer. I don't have a horrible life, although my love life is far less than par. i came to a terrible realization last week about how i have been holding myself back in order to let a far less superior attempt to pass me. I know in the end, if it turns out how i would like, then it will be worth this pain and strife. If things go the other route and cannot be resolved, this last attempt will breed true resentment and will never be turned around. So this is it, and i feel that it is possible, but i fear that it not going to come together quick enough to be attainable or suitable for both sets of needs. Its not only about trying, but passing the true test-which would be succeeding.