Serious case of the Mondays

I have been sitting here all day, cramps in my side, but persevering through the day...i have been left to fend for myself here, without a lunch break, simply dying to be home in bed...it is sad to start my blog off this way, but there isn't much i can do about this mood i am in. Life has been rough for the last year, and i think all the stresses in my life have finally drained me to just about empty. i give myself credit tho, because i am still holding it down as far as work and bills are concerned, and i have still, through a constant yearning for happiness, tried to look past all the hazy bad times and focus on how to make things better. I am amazed at how many different angles and ideas i have had to attempt to get what i want, but alas, all has failed. It has been really difficult more so this year. i feel like i am losing my footing and starting to fumble. I am having a rough time dealing with the fact that the fate of my desire doesn't rest in my hands alone. i don't consider myself a control freak, but without control i feel vulnerable. So, i am sitting here, wasting away at the computer, but making the necessary means for my survival. Sometimes i am very happy doing what i do, but as of late, i am not happy at all. All i look for is to escape. Sometimes i drown in my fish tank, or in a bottle of wine, or now in this blog. I hope i can find some solace in putting down some of my daily thoughts here at the desk in my spare time. Hopefully, by cataloging my feelings, thoughts, ideas, and rants will give me a sense of progress, so i can look back and remember what steps i had to take to get to the better place i hope to be in time.