Back to the Stroke part II

Because of an unfortunate and uncontrollable tragedy, I have found myself guilt ridden. I know it is not my fault, but somehow in my heart, I don't completely believe that. When situations such as this arise, i find myself really thinking i could have done something to prevent it. I should have been there and all the "what if i..."'s. As many times as i can be told, or tell myself it was not something I did to anyone, I just can't get over these kinds of thoughts. This inspires me to try and make things better and make up for my wrong, but my efforts never seem satisfactory to me. I try to rectify what i feel was a lack of concern or my own selfishness, but I can never seem to resolve it within myself. Then when I step back and look at the situation objectively, and "know" it is not my fault, but cannot deny how I feel, then i can analyze myself and maybe i am intending to help the situation, but possibly i am punishing myself for a crime i emotionally feel i committed? So clearly when there is no control over something, how can you possibly believe it was your doing? Emotions and reality, not friends in my world. Solutions are not even existent in this place either it seems...

Misunderstood

The place i seem to go wrong most of the time is right in the crossroads of reality and emotional stability. I know in my head that I am perfectly fine all by myself, I don't really like taking help from anyone, especially hand outs or pity. Then my emotions get involved, and I start to get comfortable and greedy. I lose my independence trying to regain the feeling of security, expecting someone else to replace the unconditional love and comfort of a mother. Realistically, I know this is impossible, but emotionally it is a struggle that I always find myself in. Then the snowball effect begins, and i turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. I want it so bad, I cling so hard, that it slips right between my fingers. Its like squeezing a palm full of sand instead of holding it losely. Then by losing that person that i was trying to fill the void with, spirals me further into my emotional death trap. Now i am longing even more for that comfort that i just can't seem to provide for myself. I find a way to manage afterwards, but scarred and beat up, sometimes blaming others, when in hindsight, i can only blame myself.

i pwn you...

Controlling my emotions is probably one of the toughest things I have ever had to conquer. The minute I feel like I have something concrete in my life, I become over invested. This causes whatever I felt was concrete to melt and then I am left standing on shakey ground. I need to try and keep my footing on more than one slab of concrete. Maybe its the fact that I have never had stable ground that makes me so dependent on one slab. I want my slab back :(

Get a Grip WOMAN!

Why is it in my nature to create drama for myself when nothing has actually happened? Is there a lack of stimulus in my life? I find myself taking the facts, twisting them up, putting them back down and being upset they are all twisted up like that. I know insecurity is playing a part in my delusions, but maybe I am also missing something else. That is how I am feeling, incomplete. Patience is not a virtue of mine, but this might be a way to acquire it. I believe that my emotional reality is completely skewed. I cannot trust my gut. I'm trying to learn how to be satisfied by ways of seeing reality in the eyes of a minimalist, and find appreciation in what I do have instead of wanting more. I know my need for attention has to be fulfilled in other ways, and I can remember a time when I able to rely on myself for this. Again, struggling with balance and the ability to relax. I take things and analyze them until I am so wound up, my stomach hurts and my nose bleeds. There is no purpose to this except to create stress in my life. I am not sure why I do this to myself periodically, but I need to find a way to make peace.

cause of the trainwreck...

Really deep down, I am so vulnerable I can't even stand myself. I am very capable of taking care of myself and I feel like my self sufficiency stems from a lack of trust in other people. Once I let someone in, that is when all my insecurities surface. The fear of abandonment is so deeply rooted in me, I have a hard time exposing myself. I also become resentful of someone for "making" me care about them because of this fear. Sometimes I can control it, but when I am caught off guard, I end up completely self destructing. I sacrifice everything I love in my life because of an emotional fear that I am aware of, but disregard most of the time. I don't know how to make it go away, so i ignore it. I have a healthy self image, I know who I am, but once I feel so strongly for someone, this fear rips the rug right out from underneath me. When I recognize it and rationalize it, the fire can be put out in the matter of minutes. But when I let my guard down, I turn into everything I have ever hated and become my own worst enemy, throwing away everything I know and trust in myself, in an attempt to fulfill a void that just cannot be filled that way. I sabotage myself which leads to self hatred and desperation. My lack of ability to balance also plays in the mix, crushing all my esteem to bits. My shame and guilt eats me away until there is barely anything left. Letting this fear take hold of my emotions and my lack of self control and inability to reassess a situation makes me my own plague.

Death by Gluten

Tuesday I may have nearly destroyed my stomach from ingesting a copious amount of yeasty piss water a/k/a beer...I feel like my stomach is tied in a knot with a knife jabbed through it. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I sure hope it goes away soon. I haven't eaten a real meal in about a week. I've been sparsely nibbling on things here or there, mostly salad or soup, but not with much enjoyment. I feel like an idiot for doing it to myself, but I really didn't think it would be a week long recovery...oh well, I guess you live and you learn, but that line is really just a cop out.

I have been wondering what it is that really drives me to be so reckless and ignorant to myself. What kind of self satisfaction do I get from attempting to annihilate myself? I know originally I am just having fun, but I have absolutely no self control. It is like I can't do anything in moderation. I am either 100% in or 100% out - no matter what the game is - gym, drinking, working, running, relationships, eating, etc. Currently I have been having trouble balancing myself. I almost think if I didn't put limitations or restraints on myself - like only drinking once a week or mandatory running 3 times a week - then maybe I could fluctuate without feeling guilty and find some kind balance. Instead of having a set schedule or plan, just try going on feelings daily or even hourly, and do what i feel like doing and not feel like I have to make excuses for it and be happy with my decision. I don't know where this worry and guilt comes from all the time. I have fairly high expectations of myself, but I know I am only human and have my flaws and am allowed to make mistakes. When I have been giving myself one day to let loose, I seem to just throw all caution to the wind and spiral out of control. But then I think if I don't limit myself, I could end up choosing to drink every day of the week. Is that really a bad thing if I am not completely out of control? Would that be keeping things in moderation? I know sometimes i chose to drink to relax or to try and forget about something that is bothering me. Sometimes I question my intentions, but usually I feel like I do get some kind of release, even if there is no solution. When things are out of my control, I tend to have high anxiety - I lose sleep and I lose my appetite and become very worried. Going out and having people around me, and talking about things, and then having some good laughs is normally a good resolve for me, even if the problem still exists. Then other times, I will go for a run or a walk to clear my head. Or I will just listen to music or make myself a new playlist to reflect my mood and play it to death until even I am sick of my own self pity. Or then sometimes I will go have a big greasy meal to satisfy my yearn for endorphin release, and then obviously I have to make up for that for the rest of the week or i feel sick from eating something disgusting. And at times when I don't have much other choice, I will write it out and try and analyze myself. Usually then followed by a copy and paste to a good friend for their input (you know who you are). So basically we are at that stage. I am not mad at myself, but more concerned. I wish I could pinpoint what exactly is the motivation for the behavior and how to balance it out so I am not questioning or concerned about my choices.

Life Time Achievement Award

On my way to work today i passed by a church where i saw a mother holding her baby daughter talking to a little old man, and it got me thinking. They clearly weren't related, but you could just see the kindness being exchanged. The mother so proud of her child, coaxing her to say hello to the older man. The man smiling softly, in need of an interpersonal connection, and the woman being gracious enough to give him a few moments of her time. I am one of the first people that will tell you i am selfish, but the way i feel about people is very compassionate. Everyone has good days and bad days, but some times the coldness of some people is just unnecessary. Why should you be creeped out or offended that the sandwich delivery guy knows your name and says hello? I can understand possibly being surprised, but just say hello back and smile would be the polite and warm thing to do. He is just doing his job trying to make the most of his day. Too many people disregard other people's feelings. It takes so little to be genuinely kind, and i feel it makes a huge difference in daily interactions for yourself and the people around you. Just a smile goes a long way, and it doesn't hurt anyone or cost anything. Listening to other people, and giving just a moment of your time can be very rewarding. We all teach our children at a very young age that you have to share, but as adults i think people should review what sharing is. It's not only about a toy or a snack, but sharing your time, your courtesy, your honesty, or your friendliness is a gift that doesn't take much, but certainly can change someone's day.